IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that the price increase of fattening foods will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #price #foods
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Nowadays, there has been an incredible increase in
people
 who suffer from significant overweight.
Although
 involving higher prices or tax will reduce its number, a more effective way is to have
workshops
 about healthy lifestyles.
To begin
 with, involving higher prices on junk cuisine will not be able to be effective since
this
 type of food is elastic. To be more precise, fattening foods have become a habit
due to
 their taste and widespread.
For example
, there was an experiment in the USA where for three months price of hotdogs which was 4 dollars turned to 8 dollars. Whenever the price of it has grown
people
 continue to consume it in their daily lives in
such
 amounts as they used to do.
Thus
, if there are higher costs of unhealthy dishes, we will not be able to cope with the issue.
While
 there are many tips which can be solutions, I think that the most effective is to encourage
workshops
 about active life . It will be conducted by professionals and they will show not only all aspects of nutrition but
also
 how to prevent our body from overweight by doing sports activities and visiting gyms .
As a result
, patients will have knowledge about their body and how to keep balance in it.
For instance
 , a couple of years ago in Germany, there were monthly
workshops
 about the active lifestyle. The inhabitants used to visit gyms, parks and festivals for healthy dishes. When the percentage of
people
 with overweight reduced, those who were keen on cycling rose.
Therefore
, if there are
workshops
, we will reduce individuals with the illness. In conclusion, putting a high price on junk food will not be as effective as encouraging projects about an active life, since laziness may be more major factor in increasing the rate of overweight
people
.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Your essay effectively presents a clear perspective on the issue. However, to enhance the task achievement, ensure that you elaborate more on each point with relevant details and examples. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The coherence and cohesion of your essay are generally good, with a logical structure and clear introduction and conclusion. Nevertheless, working on the transitions between ideas could improve the flow of your essay and make it easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Providing more specific examples and evidence will make your main points more supported and persuasive. Try to include data or research findings to back up your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay contains a structured introduction and conclusion, which help to frame your argument clearly.
task achievement
You present clear and comprehensive ideas in your response, making it easy for the reader to understand your viewpoint on the issue.
task achievement
The use of examples, such as the experiment in the USA and workshops in Germany, adds depth to your arguments, though they could be expanded further.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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