IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some working parents think that childcare centers provide the best care for children who are still too young to go to school. Other working parents think that family members such as grandparents will be better carers for their children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Recently there have been two options for raising young children and each option has a beneficial aspect.
Care
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 by family
members
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 provides individualized settings for each child,
while
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childcare
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centres
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 can afford standardized programs for the kid. I think the
care
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 from the
childcare
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 centre is more outstanding than the family
care
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 system. On one hand, when kids are raised by their family
members
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it is clear that
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 they can receive personalized
care
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.
For instance
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, if a kid is having a specific nap time, their grandparents could let them sleep
accordingly
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 and let them play whenever they want.
However
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, when the grandparents face emotionally distressed moments by the baby
due to
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 a lack their energy, it could break the rapport between the kid and the caregiver.
Consequently
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, it could negatively affect the emotional connections among family
members
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.
On the other hand
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, when kids attend
childcare
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centres
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 they can enhance their social skills since they have to follow the standardized educational program and get
along with
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 many other kids from the centre.
For example
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,
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 provide a scheduled nap time and
planned
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plan
show examples
 courses
according to
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 the child's age. Unlike family
care
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 it is not a personalized program, but in the long run, it could help enhance one's ability to follow the rules of a small society. In conclusion, considering the emotional difficulties that could be caused by family
members
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, it is beneficial to use
childcare
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centres
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. By going to the centre, a child could experience various situations and learn how to mingle with others.
Therefore
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, I think that
childcare
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centres
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 provide the best
care
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 for children in the future.

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coherence cohesion
In the introductory paragraph, you can provide a bit more detail on the beneficial aspects of each option before presenting your opinion. This will give the reader a clearer understanding of the framework for your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph is seamlessly connected with the one before it. Using more transitional phrases could help improve the flow of ideas between paragraphs.
task achievement
While your main points are well-developed, adding more specific examples could strengthen your arguments. For instance, providing more detailed scenarios of the benefits of childcare centers or personal experiences could make your essay more compelling.
introduction conclusion present
Conclude the essay with a stronger summary that reiterates both sides of the argument before firmly stating your opinion. This will make your conclusion more balanced and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear and well-structured argument, discussing both sides of the issue before presenting your opinion which demonstrates good understanding and knowledge of the topic.
clear comprehensive ideas
The use of specific examples, such as scheduled nap times and planned courses in childcare centers, helps to illustrate your points effectively.
logical structure
Your essay is cohesive and logically structured. Each paragraph effectively supports your overall argument, and your ideas are organized in a clear and logical manner.
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