IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the Internet. What potential problems may this trend lead to? What solutions can you suggest to deal with it?

#development #media #youngsters #access #internet #trend
The younger generations in
this
 contemporary time have gained an accessibility to social
media
 more than in the past. In
this
 essay, problems and solutions of
this
 matter will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
 with, there are numerous problems that social
media
 offers to our offspring, and one of the most momentous is their
health
 issues. To elaborate
further
, children always spend all day lying on beds or couches, playing social
media
, and
therefore
 affecting their physical
health
.
Moreover
, lots of cyberbullying and trolling occur on social
media
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can lead to mental
health
 problems.
For instance
, when my close friend bought a new iPhone a couple of years ago, he spent most of his time idle, lying on his sofa and watching a new application so-called "Tik Tok" which in turn gained more weight and out of shape.
Moreover
, when he tried to post his reels, he got bullied by other people about his appearance, making him feel stressed and depressed.
On the other hand
, there are a number of solutions to tackle and address
this
 problem, and the most significant is authority actions. What
this
 means is they can put measures in place to control the accessibility of teenagers.
Furthermore
, the states are able to organise events or activities to motivate children to get away from their attractive devices.
For example
, China already
imposes
Wrong verb form
imposed
show examples
initiative
Correct article usage
an initiative
show examples
 to restrict playtime on social
media
 which is around three hours a day and the government is trying to organise activities
such
 as handicrafts, street markets, etc. in many areas all over the country.
Hence
, many students are getting out and attending these activities
instead
 of playing
social
Change preposition
on social
show examples
media
.
Overall
, it is undeniable that the new generations are being allowed to get access to online platforms easier than in the past.
However
, it causes tons of disadvantages to them
such
 as
health
 issues and it is the government's responsibility to ease and mitigate
this
 matter.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task response
Your introduction is adequate; however, try to frame it with a more engaging hook. This will make your essay stand out from the very beginning.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure, ensuring smooth transitions between ideas will enhance readability and coherence. Use linking words and phrases to weave your argument together more tightly.
task response
It would be beneficial to provide a wider range of examples to bolster your arguments. For instance, you could discuss how cyberbullying has affected a broader group of youngsters rather than focusing on a single individual.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusions are concise and wrap up the essay effectively. However, you might want to briefly summarize each main point instead of restating that issues exist.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear and relevant introduction, discussion, and conclusion, indicating a high level of organization.
task achievement
You have effectively identified and elaborated upon the main problems and potential solutions relating to unsupervised access to social media.
task achievement
Providing a specific example, such as your friend's experience with TikTok, added depth to your argument and demonstrated the real-life implications of social media misuse.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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