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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. what do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

#countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures
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nowadays, in some countries average weight of individuals has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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increased
while
Linking Words
 the level of health and being
on
Change preposition
in
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 great shape has been reduced.
This
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 is originated from consuming
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
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 rate of fast
food
Use synonyms
 and
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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. Yet there is much that can be done to address
this
Linking Words
 problem constructively. the reason why,
people
Use synonyms
 have a great tendency to eat fast
food
Use synonyms
 is that in
this
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 materialistic and fast-paced
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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, many
people
Use synonyms
 are forced to work from dawn to Dusk
for providing
Change preposition
to provide
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 primary facilities for their lives. so they do not have enough time to cook healthy
food
Use synonyms
 for themselves.
therefore
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, they prefer to eat fast foods, which are rich in fat.
Linking Words
for
Capitalize word
For
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 example,
according to
Linking Words
Use synonyms
food
Correct article usage
the food
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 pyramid consuming a medium pizza can add a lot of calories to the body, which will result in obesity. one possible approach would be increasing the price of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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fast
food
Use synonyms
 by pizzerias.
Consequently
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, many
people
Use synonyms
 will have to use healthy
food
Use synonyms
instead
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 of fast
food
Use synonyms
.
in other words
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 choose healthy
food
Use synonyms
 in order to save money during the month.
however
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, I think a large number of
people
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 chosen
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle. because nowadays, many devices related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technology
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 facilitated their lives.
that is
Linking Words
 why, many
people
Use synonyms
 have a tendency to utilize some smart gadget to do their activities.
therefore
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,
this
Linking Words
 gadget helps
people
Use synonyms
 to save a lot of energy and time. second approach, providing gym membership can be
most
Correct article usage
the most
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effect
Replace the word
effective
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 way to attract
people
Use synonyms
 to become busy in physical fitness activities
therefore
Linking Words
 improving their health. in conclusion, it is
a
Change the article
apply
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true that
problem
Correct article usage
the problem
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 of increasing
weight
Correct article usage
the weight
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 and not
be
Wrong verb form
being
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on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 good shape with
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 will probably not be solved quickly. I think
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 they can spend time
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
preparing healthy
food
Use synonyms
 by reducing their working hours.
Submitted by salehmiri1995 on

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task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your main points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support this main idea.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states the problem and provides a brief outline of the possible causes and solutions.
logical structure
The essay presents a clear structure with separate paragraphs for causes and solutions.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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