There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a view stating that the younger generation is posed to a higher level of pressure in terms of academic success.
This
view then
becomes the basis for a certain belief that subjects that are not related to academics, like sports and cooking, need to be taken out of the curriculum in order to get the students
to solely focus on schoolwork that is
of an academic nature. I disagree with this
belief because schools need to provide holistic education
towards the students
, and despite being considered as non-academic materials, nonetheless
, they are still as important to be learned by the students
as do their academic counterparts.
Firstly
, school
is the main institution that can provide teaching towards children, and thus
it needs to be able to give a holistic education
to them. School
years are the formative years for students
and how they would later become part of the society post-graduation, hence
it is imperative that pupils can learn all they need to know through undergoing education
at school
. This
can only be made possible if these kids are taught about all things end-to-end.
Secondly
, just because some areas of study are considered to be non-academic, it does not mean that they are of less importance to the students
compared to the academic ones. For example
, I personally experienced the disadvantage of not being taught how to do my personal taxes because it was considered a non-academic subject at school
. This
consideration resulted in Taxation not making it to my school
curriculum, which in turn prompted me to learn how to file my annual taxes on my own. Therefore
, although
these materials are viewed as non-academic and deemed to be non-essential to be taught at school
, however
, they still contain knowledge that students
need to understand in order to function at their best as part of society.
In conclusion, I believe that teachings of non-academic lessons should not be removed from the school
syllabus, because we need schools to be reliable in providing end-to-end education
towards students
, and that these subjects regardless are still crucial and necessary to be learned by the younger generation in order to perform their best after they graduate.Submitted by tania.ekoputri on
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task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task, addressing both the presence of academic pressure on young people and the significance of non-academic subjects. However, including more specific examples could strengthen your arguments further.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally well-organized and ideas flow logically from one paragraph to the next, the transition between some ideas could be smoother. Ensure that each paragraph starts with a topic sentence that clearly links back to the thesis.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your arguments aren't repetitive. For instance, the main idea of providing a holistic education is discussed twice, albeit in slightly different contexts. This repetition could be avoided to present a more varied set of arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear and concise, effectively outlining the writer’s position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the writer's position.
task achievement
Arguments are generally well-supported, and the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.