IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some cities public parks and open spaces are being changed into gardens where local resident can grow their own fruit and vegetables. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#cities #parks #spaces #gardens #resident #fruit #vegetables
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many cities around the world are repurposing open spaces and public parks into farmland.
While
this
 trend encourages
people
 to eat more vegetables and connect
people
 during planting activities, I believe the lack of a place to exercise and live
outweigh
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweighs
show examples
 the benefits. It cannot be denied that the cost of organic fruit and vegetables is becoming higher so having its own area for growing will decrease the money spent on food. It
also
 encourages
people
 to consume healthy products which help them live healthier.
For example
,
people
 tend to use available ingredients, like vegetables in their own garden
instead
 of buying more to minimise living costs and keep fit.
Moreover
, the owning of residential gardens bridges the gap between
people
. To explain, planting can be seen as a public activity to connect
people
.
For instance
, parents can teach their offspring how to plant trees by having the same theme to talk frequently and grasp each other more.
However
, the construction of a new garden can lead to a lack of exercise places. Owning to a large amount of population in some cities
such
 as Ho Chi Minh City or Ha Noi, if everyone owns gardens, there would be no more spaces for public parks
along with
 lacking community area. It can be difficult for
people
 to find a place to meet friends and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise with no money.
Additionally
, the disadvantages can be observed when overpopulation around the world becomes more serious.
This
 is because these changes result in no more spaces for housing, contributing to the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 house prices. In Ha Noi, lots of workers belonging to the young generation cannot afford to buy their own house and have to rent it for a long period. In conclusion, I believe that the lack of public and living places is weighed more than the high consumption of healthy products and connecting
people
.
Thus
 government should research to find out the best way
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 citizens' lives.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a clearer and more concise introduction that directly states your position and briefly outlines the main points you will discuss.
coherence cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more smoothly using cohesive devices. Your current structure is good but could be improved for better flow.
task achievement
Add more specific examples or data to strengthen your main points. This will make your arguments more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Revise some sentences for clarity and readability. Some points could be expressed more directly and concisely.
task achievement
You have provided a complete response to the question, discussing both advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
Your arguments are clear and supported with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
You have a logical structure with distinct introductions, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and restates your position.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: