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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional . Discuss these oppsing views and give your own opinion.

#people #sport #part #school #life #children
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There are differing perspectives on
the
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apply
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physical education in
the
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apply
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school, some individual thinks it is
an
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a
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 crucial part of
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student's
Correct article usage
a student's
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 life and others opine that it should
be take
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be taken
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 as a substitute subject.
While
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 some physically disabled
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student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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 cannot participate in physical
games
Use synonyms
however
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, I believe that
sports
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is
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are
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 good for
student
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's mental and physical health.
One
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On
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 the one hand, there are some physically challenged students in
school
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the school
a school
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 who cannot play physical
games
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such
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 as cricket,
basketball
Correct word choice
or basketball
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 and if they see others playing they can be demoralized.
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Moreover
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Moreover,
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 it can develop anxiety and social withdrawal in some of the students
hence
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, it should
be depend
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depend
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 on the
student
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 if they want to go
in
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to
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such
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 classes or not .
For instance
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, a
student
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 with
health
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a health
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 condition or disability for whom participation in certain physical activities isn't advisable and mandatory
sports
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 policies can exclude them.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, playing
games
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 can make a person not only physically but mentally well-being. Because it
engage
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engages
show examples
Correct article usage
a person
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person
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person's
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 mind and body at
same
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the same
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 time .
Games
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doesn't
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don't
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 require only physical strength but mental strategy too to win a game . There are some rules and regulations in
games
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 which need to be kept in mind
while
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 playing
also
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, engaging in
sports
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 provides a necessary break from academics, which
enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
show examples
Use synonyms
student '
Fix the agreement mistake
students'
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 mental
health'
Correct your spelling
health
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.
For example
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, a
student
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 who plays will be physically fit
such
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 as obesity which is a very
concerned
Correct word choice
common
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 disease for many countries. In conclusion, I believe
sports
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 should be mandatory in schools as it helps in
physical
Add an article
the physical
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 and mental development of
Use synonyms
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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 but , with all the facilities for all students. There should be some
games
Use synonyms
 which
doesn't
Change the verb form
don't
show examples
 require physical strength
such
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 as chess for
physical
Change the adjective
physically
show examples
 challenged people.
Submitted by sanjanasharma1905 on

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task achievement
Make sure to thoroughly address all parts of the task. While you discussed both sides, you could have further elaborated on the benefits of sports or presented more counterarguments for making it optional.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the coherence by improving transitions between paragraphs and ideas. For example, phrases like 'in contrast,' 'furthermore,' or 'as a result' could be more effectively utilized to ensure a smooth flow of ideas.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view, considering both sides of the argument about sports being mandatory or optional in schools.
task achievement
An effort is made to provide examples, such as the impact of obesity and the inclusion of chess for physically challenged students. These add depth to the points discussed.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the topic and presents the main argument, while the conclusion summarizes the writer’s viewpoint and suggests solutions.
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