IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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There is a discussion among citizens regarding
government
Use synonyms
 control and
if
Correct word choice
whether
show examples
 accessing people's phones, reading messages and monitoring phone records, should be allowed or if it is a breach of one's privacy
,
Correct word choice
and, therefore
show examples
therefore
Linking Words
 should not be available without a permit. In my opinion, even if monitoring citizens through their phones could generate different benefits, at the same time, it would limit their freedom. Nowadays, every single secret can be discovered just by going through one's phone, so, permitting the
government
Use synonyms
 to access devices, could lead to important benefits.
Firstly
Linking Words
, by reading messages, terrorist attacks could be prevented, since hints of them could be uncovered through examining texts.
Secondly
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,
this
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 control could detect illegal activities, revealing mixed messages.
For example
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,
this
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 action already takes place for targeted individuals, whose phone is controlled by the CIA; if
this
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 method
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 to be extended to the general public, more frauds and illegal activities,
such
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 as drug dealing, would get uncovered.
However
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, every individual has a right to their privacy, so
this
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 practice would contrast with what is written in the Constitution. We tend to share every single thought and secret through our phones, knowing that everything will remain covered. If we were to allow the
government
Use synonyms
 to hold
this
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 power, they could use it not only for the good of the Nation
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 to manipulate us, using our secrets against us. In conclusion, even if tighter controls could help the Nation prevent disasters and illegalities,
this
Linking Words
 solution would reduce one's freedom and would allow the
government
Use synonyms
 to hold too much power over us.

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task achievement
While your introduction effectively presents the topic, it could be more engaging. Consider using a hook to capture the reader's interest.
task achievement
Your opinion is clearly stated, but it might be enhanced by providing a stronger rationale or a brief summary of your main points in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
To improve logical structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and flows naturally from one point to the other. Transitions can be further enhanced for greater coherence.
task achievement
Your essay would benefit from more specific examples to illustrate your points. While you mention the CIA, more real-world examples or statistics would strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structure and vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of your writing. This will make your essay more engaging and sophisticated.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view of the topic, discussing both sides of the argument, which is commendable.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your opinion on the matter, reiterating the main points discussed in the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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