IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, young children and teenagers are eating more unhealthy food and not exercising. Some people think parents are responsible for their children’s unhealthy habits, while others think governments should play a larger role in encouraging children and teenagers to be healthier. Who do you think has more of an influence on children & teenagers: parents or governments? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

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It is true that in recent years there has been a growing tendency for people to not eat
healthy
Change the adjective
healthily
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.
That is
Linking Words
 why
parents
Use synonyms
 and the government must
influence
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 the healthy
habits
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 of children and adolescents. and I would say that
parents
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 have a direct and immediate responsibility for these
habits
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. Regarding the
influence
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 of
parents
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, they have direct responsibility, since they buy and prepare food; and in the
end
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end,
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 they are the ones who decide if the diet is balanced or not.
In addition
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, they play an important role as a role model for our children, if
parents
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 lead a healthy and healthy life, they will be a reflection of us.
For example
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, in my case, my daughters are young and do not consume soda drinks or processed
foods
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, every weekend they go swimming and in
this
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way
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way,
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 we are positively impacting their care and their future.
Likewise
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, the government can
also
Linking Words
influence
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 promoting policies that are reflected in healthy
habits
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,
such
Linking Words
 as regulating the advertising of harmful
foods
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, incorporating taxes on unhealthy
foods
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, incorporating promotion and prevention campaigns, etc.; A good example would be, in
Colombia
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Colombia,
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 a policy was issued that all
foods
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 must include labels if they contain excess sugars, fats, etc. so that people become aware that they are eating. In conclusion,
parents
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 have an immediate and specific
influence
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 on their children and the government plays an important role in environments conducive to healthy
habits
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, which is why both must continue working to promote healthy
habits
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 to have healthy adults in the future.

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task achievement
Although the essay addresses the topic and provides a clear viewpoint, there are a few inaccuracies and wording issues that can be improved for clarity. For instance, in the first sentence, 'people' can be replaced with 'children and teenagers' to be more specific, aligning directly with the topic.
coherence cohesion
To enhance the essay's logical flow, ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly from one point to another. Adding connective phrases can help achieve this. For example, start the second paragraph with 'Firstly,' and the third paragraph with 'On the other hand' to distinguish between the roles of parents and the government clearly.
task achievement
The essay provides a well-rounded argument by discussing the role of both parents and governments in influencing children's habits. The use of personal examples adds authenticity and relevance to your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing the main points effectively. Your conclusion successfully reiterates your position on the topic and leaves the reader with a clear understanding of your perspective.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • dietary habits
  • role models
  • junk food advertising
  • public awareness campaigns
  • nutrition education
  • public amenities
  • physical activity
  • healthy meals
  • screen time
  • fast-food chains
  • subsidies
  • sanctions
  • policies
  • regulations
  • interaction
  • influence
  • daily habits
  • supportive environment
  • preparing meals
  • encouraging sports
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