The number of outweigh children in developed countries is increasing.Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast-food outlets. Other believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children’s health.
In my point of view, every
day
is growing
number of fat Correct article usage
a growing
children’s
in the Unnecessary verb
children
develop
world.Some Change the verb form
developing
of
specialists see the most reason in the café’s outlets other science people blame their Change preposition
apply
parents
.
Firstly
, the
people see every Correct article usage
apply
day
in the
Correct article usage
apply
develop
Wrong verb form
developed
country
many Fix the agreement mistake
countries
company’s
news about Change noun form
companies
fast-food
. They want to Correct your spelling
fast food
send
lots of time Correct your spelling
spend
Change preposition
with the
the
Change the word
their
children
and their parents
a
lot of cheap meals discounts Change preposition
with a
on
Change preposition
in
the
famous restaurants and Correct article usage
apply
this
is firstly
step the most important Change the adverb
first
factors
for restaurants because Fix the agreement mistake
factor
discount
Add an article
the discount
is develop
every Change the verb form
is developed
is developing
day
and see too many persons and come there.Additionally
, famous cafes and restaurants know
, Wrong verb form
known
such
as McDonald’s,KFC
. The Correct word choice
and KFC
children
like unhealthy meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
however
they do not know these necessary reason
for outweigh.Change the determiner
this necessary reason
these necessary reasons
Fast-food
is generally cheaper than healthy alternatives. Correct your spelling
Fast food
This
economic factor can heavily influence dietary choices.
I think,
every year is increasing fat Remove the comma
apply
children
so fast.Another reason, so
long work time, after work’s tired and they do not have free time for preparing Add a missing verb
is so
health
Replace the word
healthy
meal
. As Fix the agreement mistake
meals
consequence
, the Correct article usage
a consequence
parents
prefer burger
, different sous, Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
french
fries.Correct word choice
and french
Children
often mimic the behaviour of their parents
.Parents
who lead unhealthy lifestyles may inadvertently pass on these habits to their children
.
All in all, both parents
and cafe’s Change noun form
parent's
parents'
new
of increasing discounts every Fix the agreement mistake
news
day
increases interest in unhealthy foods and causes overweight in children
.Submitted by i.nureddinn on
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improvement
Improve grammar and syntax: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures which can obscure the intended meaning. Revising these will make the essay clearer and more professional.
improvement
Expand and organize ideas: The essay touches on relevant points but lacks depth and clear organization. Adding more supporting details, examples, and ensuring a logical flow between ideas will strengthen the essay.
improvement
Clarify argument and stance: While the essay presents viewpoints from both sides, the argument is not clearly articulated. Make sure to explicitly state your stance and support it with detailed reasoning and examples.
positive
Attempts to address both perspectives: The essay acknowledges both the role of fast-food outlets and parental responsibility in the increasing number of overweight children, which shows an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
positive
Introduction and conclusion present: The essay has a clear beginning and ending, which helps provide a framework for the discussion.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.