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Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

The number of outweigh children in developed countries is increasing.Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast-food outlets. Other believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children’s health.

#children #countries #people #fast-food #outlets #parents #children’s #health
In my point of view, every
day
 is
growing
Correct article usage
a growing
show examples
 number of fat
children’s
Unnecessary verb
children
show examples
 in the
develop
Change the verb form
developing
show examples
 world.Some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
specialists see the most reason in the café’s outlets other science people blame their
parents
.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people see every
day
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
develop
Wrong verb form
developed
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country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
show examples
 many
company’s
Change noun form
companies
show examples
news about
fast-food
Correct your spelling
fast food
show examples
. They want to
send
Correct your spelling
spend
show examples
 lots of time
Change preposition
with the
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
children
 and their
parents
a
Change preposition
with a
show examples
lot of cheap meals discounts
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
famous restaurants and
this
 is
firstly
Change the adverb
first
show examples
 step the most important
factors
Fix the agreement mistake
factor
show examples
 for restaurants because
discount
Add an article
the discount
show examples
is develop
Change the verb form
is developed
is developing
show examples
 every
day
 and see too many persons and come there.
Additionally
, famous cafes and restaurants
know
Wrong verb form
known
show examples
,
such
 as McDonald’s,
KFC
Correct word choice
and KFC
show examples
. The
children
 like unhealthy
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
however
 they do not know
these necessary reason
Change the determiner
this necessary reason
these necessary reasons
show examples
 for outweigh.
Fast-food
Correct your spelling
Fast food
show examples
 is generally cheaper than healthy alternatives.
This
 economic factor can heavily influence dietary choices. I think
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 every year is increasing fat
children
 so fast.Another reason,
so
Add a missing verb
is so
show examples
 long work time, after work’s tired and they do not have free time for preparing
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
. As
consequence
Correct article usage
a consequence
show examples
, the
parents
 prefer
burger
Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
show examples
, different sous,
french
Correct word choice
and french
show examples
 fries.
Children
 often mimic the behaviour of their
parents
.
Parents
 who lead unhealthy lifestyles may inadvertently pass on these habits to their
children
. All in all, both
parents
Change noun form
parent's
parents'
show examples
 and cafe’s
new
Fix the agreement mistake
news
show examples
 of increasing discounts every
day
 increases interest in unhealthy foods and causes overweight in
children
.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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improvement
Improve grammar and syntax: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures which can obscure the intended meaning. Revising these will make the essay clearer and more professional.
improvement
Expand and organize ideas: The essay touches on relevant points but lacks depth and clear organization. Adding more supporting details, examples, and ensuring a logical flow between ideas will strengthen the essay.
improvement
Clarify argument and stance: While the essay presents viewpoints from both sides, the argument is not clearly articulated. Make sure to explicitly state your stance and support it with detailed reasoning and examples.
positive
Attempts to address both perspectives: The essay acknowledges both the role of fast-food outlets and parental responsibility in the increasing number of overweight children, which shows an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
positive
Introduction and conclusion present: The essay has a clear beginning and ending, which helps provide a framework for the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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