IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

While people flood into big cities to seek jobs and happy life, there is a tendency for people to move out. What problems do big cities have? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

#people #flood #cities #jobs #life #tendency #move
The opposite trend recently happened where
instead
 of many
people
 wanting to stay in urban areas, they opt to live in rural areas.
Firstly
,
people
 choose to live there
due to
 the percentage of poverty in the city rapidly rising.
Secondly
, they believe that the
pollution
 there endangers their health. With the increasing measure of population, it is believed that overpopulation was the main cause of the poverty issue.
Furthermore
, the increasing extent of
people
 makes the competition within the working area stronger.
Nonetheless
, societies believe that the complications were not relevant as there were many new kinds of professions occurring there.
However
, some cities were too overpopulated, making the workers oversupplied.
For instance
, in Indonesia, specifically Jakarta, a statistic shows the portion of available positions and the available workers have a very high figure difference from each other, both of them value by 10% of new careers occurred and 30% of workers produced. Given these results, the inequality portion makes their citizens find jobs harder.
Therefore
, with the trend steadily growing, it leads to
people
’s economic state falling massively. In the end, the most logical explanation for why
people
 searching a place to sit on the outskirts is to avoid
such
 issues. The overpopulation is
also
 correlated with
people
’s health conditions that in the worst scenario, will cause their death.
Moreover
, the
pollution
 caused by human activities can cause deadly diseases in the population.
Nevertheless
, citizens think that the advancement of technology can reduce the death chances or sickness
that is
 caused by that. In reality, the advancement of gadgets is pushing the number of issues to increase.
For example
, in Malaysia, the total deaths caused by
pollution
such
 as lung cancer and heart attack, increased annually by 4% between 2018 and 2023.
Consequently
, the
pollution
 mostly contributed to many deaths and sickness in the downtown.
Thereupon
, the city is not a friendly habitat for humans. For the most part, because the concern keeps occurring, they believe that the
pollution
 corrupts their health.
Hence
, they choose to live outside the metropolis.
Overall
, the expanding statistic of poverty is the effect of too-crowded cities.
In addition
, their activities that involve
pollution
 are the source of a plethora of diseases and those could be a source of death in humans.
Submitted by arsyiiimuhammad061 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay structure is clear by having a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Although you have an introduction and conclusion, clearer separation between ideas in the body paragraphs would improve the overall flow.
task achievement
Expand on your points with more detailed explanations and more examples. This will help in demonstrating a full understanding of the topic and strengthen your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structures to bring more variety and complexity in your writing. Using a mix of sentence lengths and types can enhance readability.
task achievement
Your essay presents clear and relevant ideas, and it is evident you understand the topic well.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion successfully summarizes the main points discussed in the essay, which helps to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
You have provided concrete examples, such as the situation in Jakarta and Malaysia, which adds credibility to your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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