IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same events on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#live #performance #play #concert #event #events #television
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In
this
 digitalized world, people witnessing a memorable event with contemporary gadgets
such
 as television is not peculiar.
Thus
, the debate of whether watching
such
 plays on television is more entertaining than seeing them in person has prevailed. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both forms and give my own opinion.
Firstly
, watching
such
 events on devices still has its advantages.
Instead
 of spending money on concentrated facilities, people can watch
such
 performances at their or other’s accommodation, which could satiate their convenience and needs,
thus
 stimulating their experience.
Furthermore
, the practice of gathering to watch
such
 events has recently emerged,
such
 as throwing a watching party or simply having dinner together, which could
further
 increase their bonding with acquaintances.
However
, I would advocate that the advantages of watching
such
 performances in person outweigh the former statements. For entertainment and enjoyment quality and purpose, witnessing in person could stimulate the excitement the feeling of the performer wants to convey.
Such
 as participating in a live choir,
instead
 of listening to the performance at home, going to an auditorium could help the viewers comprehend and decipher their feelings more vividly.
Moreover
, going to
such
 a place could
also
 ameliorate bonding with others, especially strangers,
thus
 creating new friends and encouraging more relationships to be made and strengthened. In conclusion,
while
 the advantages of the modernization practice have been pronounced, I believe the benefits of the conventionals still overweight the former premise.
Submitted by bendy.anhle on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which is excellent. However, there is some room for improvement in terms of supporting your main points with more specific examples. Try to include more concrete instances in both the benefits of watching live performances and watching them on television.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a logical structure, some of the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using more transitional phrases to improve the flow of your essay, making it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
task achievement
Your essay touches upon relevant points for both sides of the argument, but it would benefit from a more balanced elaboration. Spend equal time discussing the pros and cons rather than focusing more on one side.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction is engaging and sets a clear context for the discussion that follows.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and clearly states your final stance on the issue, which enhances the coherence of your essay.
clear comprehensive ideas
You've made some valid points regarding both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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