IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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In the modern era, the phenomenon of consumerism is becoming increasingly
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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popular among the young generation, they tend to spend the majority of their free
time
Use synonyms
 doing joy shopping and it has caused some concerns relating to the drawbacks
on
Change preposition
for
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 youngsters and their communities.
This
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 writer agrees with
this
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 belief because of the individuals' financial burden and the low-quality workforce.
To begin
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 with, it is vital to understand that a reckless expense habit can result in
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
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 bankruptcy. It must be considered that adolescents are inexperienced, they are not fully equipped with the experience to apply for a well-paid job. Because of that, their income remains relatively low, just enough for daily needs.
However
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, being attracted to the hobbies of shopping
together with
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 their immaturity, there will be an imbalance between income and outcome.
Overtime
Correct your spelling
Over time
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, it will be unable to afford daily needs and bankruptcy is inevitable.
For instance
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, many Vietnamese teenagers are so fond of buying online products that they are left with no money
at the end
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 of each month, relying on package noodles to survive.
Furthermore
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, spending ages on shopping can
also
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 have a negative effect on the workforce's quality. It must be acknowledged that joy shopping is just a way to relax, allowing the youth to satisfy themselves without any useful development in skills that can be applied in later life.
In other words
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, their precious free
time
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 is being wasted.
Instead
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 of that, youngsters can make use of their free
time
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 to work on aspects which are necessary for their
career
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careers
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.
As a consequence
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, there will be more
skillful
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skilful
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 workers, helping the whole country to develop. In conclusion, spending too much
time
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Change preposition
apply
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on
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apply
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shopping can negatively impact one's financial status and the workers' condition.
Hence
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,
this
Linking Words
 essay has provided clear points to demonstrate the author's agreement with the statement that shopping causes disadvantages to young adults and nations.

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coherence cohesion
Provide a clearer topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to ensure the main argument is immediately obvious.
task achievement
While the ideas are well-developed, try to include more specific examples to support your points even further.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both well-structured and present clear points about your agreement with the statement.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical flow and structure, which aids in the overall coherence.
task achievement
Key ideas are clearly presented in a comprehensive manner, making your argument easy to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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