Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. Some people fear that this may have negative effects on young people and the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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In the modern era, the phenomenon of consumerism is becoming increasingly
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply

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popular among the young generation, they tend to spend the majority of their free
time
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doing joy shopping and it has caused some concerns relating to the drawbacks
on
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for

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youngsters and their communities.
This
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writer agrees with
this
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belief because of the individuals' financial burden and the low-quality workforce.
To begin
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with, it is vital to understand that a reckless expense habit can result in
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's

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bankruptcy. It must be considered that adolescents are inexperienced, they are not fully equipped with the experience to apply for a well-paid job. Because of that, their income remains relatively low, just enough for daily needs.
However
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, being attracted to the hobbies of shopping
together with
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their immaturity, there will be an imbalance between income and outcome.
Overtime
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Over time

The word Overtime doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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, it will be unable to afford daily needs and bankruptcy is inevitable.
For instance
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, many Vietnamese teenagers are so fond of buying online products that they are left with no money
at the end
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

of each month, relying on package noodles to survive.
Furthermore
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, spending ages on shopping can
also
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

have a negative effect on the workforce's quality. It must be acknowledged that joy shopping is just a way to relax, allowing the youth to satisfy themselves without any useful development in skills that can be applied in later life.
In other words
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, their precious free
time
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

is being wasted.
Instead
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of that, youngsters can make use of their free
time
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to work on aspects which are necessary for their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers

It seems that career may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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.
As a consequence
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, there will be more
skillful
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skilful

The spelling of skillful is a non-British variant. For consistency, consider replacing it with the British English spelling.

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workers, helping the whole country to develop. In conclusion, spending too much
time
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

Change preposition
apply

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on
Change preposition
apply

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shopping can negatively impact one's financial status and the workers' condition.
Hence
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essay has provided clear points to demonstrate the author's agreement with the statement that shopping causes disadvantages to young adults and nations.

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coherence cohesion
Provide a clearer topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph to ensure the main argument is immediately obvious.
task achievement
While the ideas are well-developed, try to include more specific examples to support your points even further.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both well-structured and present clear points about your agreement with the statement.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains a logical flow and structure, which aids in the overall coherence.
task achievement
Key ideas are clearly presented in a comprehensive manner, making your argument easy to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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