IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some parents buy their kids a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages of a child having a large number of toys?

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It is argued that
children
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 have a large number of
toys
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 to spend time on and enjoy ,
due to
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 parents' purchasing. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the drawbacks and benefits .
To begin
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 with , on the one hand , there are many advantages of buying
toys
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 for kids . First , it brings a sense of satisfaction and increases the happiness inside
children
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 , which in turn reflects on their own lives positively , in terms of social relationships with their friends .
For instance
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 , studies have shown that those who receive more
toys
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 are more likely to build a successful relationship with others because they are satisfied and fulfilled .
In addition
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,
toys
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 can enhance mental health , because most
toys
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 need some effort to play with and finish .
On the other hand
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 , with regard to the disadvantages , one of the significant downsides is health issues.
Such
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 as isolation .
For example
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 ,
toys
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 can spirit the child from real life so
instead
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 of playing with
toys
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 they must play with their siblings or friends, to avoid excessive play with
toys
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 , as it leads to some diseases.
Moreover
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 , some
toys
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 might be dangerous . A good example like a small piece of
toys
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 , some
children
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 try to eat the
toys
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 or even hurt themself if it has sharp angles .
To sum up
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 ,
toys
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 could be good for younger to spend their leisure time playing with
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
,
however
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, there are some disadvantages that can harm them ,
therefore
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children
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 should be aware of how to use certain
toys
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 by their parents.

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task achievement
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and supporting details to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Try to include a more balanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages, so the reader has a clearer understanding of both sides.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to the logical flow of ideas and transitions between sentences to enhance the overall coherence.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clarify any vague terms or concepts, such as specifying what you mean by 'health issues' in your disadvantages section.
task achievement
Your introduction presents a clear overview of the topic and sets up your essay well.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the impact of toys on social relationships and mental health.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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