IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Governments around the world spend too much money on treating illnesses and diseases and not enough on health education and prevention. Do you agreee or disagree with this statement?

#governments #world #money #illnesses #diseases #health #education #prevention #agreee
It is often argued that the
healthcare
 budget is heavily allocated to treating an illness with little focus on preventing one. I completely agree and support the thought that the
government
 should emphasize more on the importance of illness prevention and well-being education. First of all, people can save more money if they are well educated
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
healthcare
 than if they have a disease and try numerous treatments to get a cure. Basically, the
government
 should have solutions for
this
 problem by bringing the
healthcare
 major to the schools, universities and colleges.
Moreover
, the
government
 should open some public events so even the
wealth
Replace the word
wealthy
show examples
 or the poverty can reach the
health
 educational class.
However
, the core value of
this
 solution is to help the population bring awareness to their
healthcare
 situation,
therefore
, the illnesses could be prevented well.
Secondly
, increasing
effort
Fix the agreement mistake
efforts
show examples
 in education and prevention can improve the public
health
 status. The most prominent public
health
 issue is shifting from infectious
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
 to chronic
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 largely preventable.
According to
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
, about
two-third
Correct your spelling
two-thirds
show examples
 of chronic
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
 can be avoided if
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 steer clear of risky behaviours,
such
 as smoking, overeating and lack of
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
.
For instance
, most primary lung cancer can be reduced by
limited
Replace the word
limiting
show examples
 one's tobacco use.
Thus
, the
government
 should endeavour to
propegate
Correct your spelling
propagate
 the idea of healthy living as preventative care rather than to introduce advanced treatment to people who have lost their
health
due to
 poor life choices. In conclusion, the long-term benefits for society are allocated towards creating a healthier population, including increased productivity, lower
healthcare
 costs, and improved quality of life rather than
focus
Wrong verb form
focusing
show examples
 on treating illnesses and diseases.
Submitted by beautytear13 on

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language
Some sentences lack clarity and have grammatical inaccuracies. Consider revising these for better readability.
content
Although there are relevant points discussed, incorporating more up-to-date statistics or specific examples could strengthen the argument.
structure
Ensure seamless transitions between ideas. Sometimes, the paragraphs seem a bit disconnected.
structure
The writer has provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the essay well.
content
The argument is relevant and directly addresses the task prompt.
content
The essay includes specific points on the prevention and treatment of diseases, showing a deep understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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