IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

What are the advantages and disadvantages of children using mobile phones?

#children #phones
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When it comes to smart devices, it is argued to be beneficial or not for
children
 to spend time
using
Correct pronoun usage
using them
show examples
. The writer of
this
 essay believes
while
 there is a wide range of knowledge on the
internet
, it can cause a lack of social
skills
 in the young generation. Offering a great source of
information
 is one of the advantages of using smartphones for
children
. To put it simply, there is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
freedom
of publishing
Change preposition
to publish
show examples
information
 on the
internet
 about every topic, so
children
 can search it on the
internet
 to gain more knowledge about their misunderstanding.
Due to
it
Correct pronoun usage
this
show examples
,
children
 enhance their horizons thanks to the wide range of knowledge on social media.
For instance
, there is not only
information
 about animals but
also
 videos about their life and habits.
By contrast
, there is
also
 a drawback of
this
 tendency as it makes
children
 lose their social
skills
.
In other words
,
children
 tend to become addicted to using smart devices without going outside for walking when the technology has been rapidly developed.
Therefore
, they do not know about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, so when they need to deal with problems, they do not know how to tackle
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 because of their lack of social
skills
. Take
children
 in Vietnam as an example, there is a problem in the communication of the Vietnamese young generation when they spend too much time on technology because they do not talk with others in real life. In conclusion, even though there are big
information
 resources on the
internet
, it can make
children
 lose their
skills
 in society when they use smart technological devices for a long time.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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coherence cohesion
Try to make topic sentences more succinct and ensure they clearly outline the main idea of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking ideas within and between paragraphs more smoothly to enhance flow.
task achievement
When providing examples, make sure they directly support your main point and are highly relevant.
task achievement
Expand on your arguments a bit more and consider addressing potential counter-arguments briefly to demonstrate a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and provide a clear framework for the essay.
coherence cohesion
Main points are well-supported with examples that illustrate your arguments effectively.
task achievement
The response thoroughly addresses all aspects of the task prompt.
task achievement
Ideas are generally clear and well-articulated.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • emergencies
  • enhance learning
  • educational apps
  • monitoring
  • digital skills
  • distraction
  • face-to-face interactions
  • social development
  • physical health problems
  • inappropriate content
  • prolonged use
  • eye strain
  • sleep disturbances
What to do next:
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