The government should control the Internet to reduce cyber crime and ensure safety of users. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Nowadays, the
internet
has become more popular and crucial for people’s life than before,
however
,
cyber crime
Correct your spelling
cybercrime
show examples
has
also
been a significant issue. Some argue that the government should cope with
this
problem and secure
safety
Correct article usage
the safety
show examples
of
users
. I partly agree with
this
statement, but some problems are occured by
this
idea.
Firstly
, since the number of cyber
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
is countless,
users
cannot avoid
this
thread
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
their own. Public organizations
such
as
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
government
can only deal with these, so they have the responsibility.
For example
, there are numerous pop-up viruses in
internet
browsers,
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
leads
users
to get fraud or
cyber crime
Correct your spelling
cybercrime
show examples
. They cannot remove these because there are hundreds of
hinding
Correct your spelling
hiding
links are pasted
a
Change preposition
on a
show examples
web page.
Thefore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
, the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
needs to not only block these websites
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
but
also
control all of
these
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
On the other hand
, managing the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the government may cause
to happen
Verb problem
apply
show examples
some issues
such
as privacy issues, which is not beneficial for people. In order to ensure the
sasfety
Correct your spelling
safety
of
users
, it is required to access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
personal information, which may become privacy problems.
For instance
, getting and saving personal data is too risky, and it frequently gets
attacks
Wrong verb form
attacked
show examples
by
huckers
Correct your spelling
hackers
show examples
.
Thus
,
managements
Fix the agreement mistake
management
show examples
of the
internet
such
as collecting personal information has a thread of
happening
Verb problem
apply
show examples
serious problems. In conclusion,
while
there is a merit of controlling the
internet
by the
givernment
Correct your spelling
government
, it
also
has some disadvantages.
Hence
, I partly
argee
Correct your spelling
agree
argue
with
this
statement, and the
givernment
Correct your spelling
government
needs to consider both the pros and cons.
Submitted by ryoga17.0325 on

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task response
Your essay tackles the topic well, but it's crucial to ensure your points are clearer and better organized. Start by making sure each paragraph has a single clear point, and make sure to expand on it sufficiently.
coherence and cohesion
You have a logical structure in your essay with an introduction and conclusion. However, make sure your arguments flow more smoothly between paragraphs and ensure all points are well-connected.
task response
Your examples are relevant, but they could be more specific and varied to better illustrate your points. Consider adding more detailed examples to back up your arguments.
task response
You make a good attempt at addressing both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced perspective.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, bookending your essay nicely.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cybercrime
  • regulations
  • monitoring
  • suspicious activities
  • internet safety
  • user trust
  • e-commerce
  • censorship
  • freedom of speech
  • access to information
  • over-regulation
  • innovation
  • tech industry
  • data protection
  • identity theft
  • financial fraud
  • technical limitations
  • digital landscape
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