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Band 3.5

Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of modern society. Some people think that we must return to older more traditional values such as respect for the and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#selfishness #basis #society #people #values #respect #community #world
I agree to an extent in terms of
seflishness
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selfishness
 not being a positive trait;
however
, greed is not
necessary
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necessarily
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 a trait that should be viewed in
bad
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a bad
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 light. Greed plays a major role in many of the
invensions
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inventions
 we use
on
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apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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daily. A
scientist
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scientist's
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 greed for
achievemnt
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achievement
 might result in a cure for cancer.
Furthermore
, greed as a word is viewed
positivally
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positively
 in
differnet
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different
 languages
such
 as Arabic and Korean as the drive for success. That being said,
soceity
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society
 functions on the collective efforts of individuals;
therefore
, greed and selfishness should not disturbute the community's peace. The best interest of the group should be held
of
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in
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 higher regard. Some may argue that personal freedom is more important than adhering to the needs of society, but
that is
 proven false. A good representation of
this
 argument is how countries who
inforced
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enforced
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 a lockdown during
Covid19
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COVID-19
 were able to keep the number of patients low and
controled
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controlled
control
 the spread. These countries were able to snap back to normal lives quicker than countries that chose to allow individual freedoms
Overall
, we
are
Verb problem
have
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 witnessed in history books that regardless of the values, no perfect country exists.
While
 a balance between individualism and
communitism
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communism
communities
communalism
 is
of
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apply
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importance
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important
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, the lack of greed would not create a utopia.
Submitted by najlaa.alshahwani on

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structure
Incorporate a clear introduction and conclusion to frame your argument. Currently, the essay starts abruptly and ends without a summarizing statement.
support
Provide more detailed examples and explanations to back up your points. For instance, you mentioned greed leading to daily inventions but could elaborate with more real-world examples.
cohesion
Use transitions to connect your ideas more smoothly. Words like 'however', 'furthermore', and 'therefore' can help, but they should be used effectively to link your sentences and paragraphs better.
balance
You presented a balanced view, acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of greed and selfishness.
example
Your argument about COVID-19 lockdowns and societal benefit is a strong, relevant example that illustrates your point well.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
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