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Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance
A controversial discussion point is whether hard effort and determination are more important than some factors
such
 as property and appearance to become successful.
This
 writer contended that industriousness and tenacity make individuals more independent and more effective, despite those who believe that money and appearance bring success sooner. It must be acknowledged that working studious and persistent always helps others become more independent and more methodical.
In other words
, the masses will achieve more lessons and can be responsible for the consequences if they experience them by themselves.
Moreover
, the ability of people can be improved quickly helping them control their fate of task,
hence
 they succeed sooner than others.
For instance
, in
this
 day and age, the trend that youngsters start their own businesses and become to a millionaire in young age is persuading many youths to work hard and purpose with their aim. Those against fund and appearance concur that it brings individuals success more rapidly. They argue that property can solve many problems and that everyone needs to use it to remove their obstacles.
This
 point has credibility in some situations, but money and looks are not sustainable resources that cannot boost any skills or ensure that their fake success will be maintained in the long term.
For example
, many second-generation rich hereditary cause bankruptcies
due to
 their favours with luxurious lavish. In view of the aforementioned discussion, I take the position that successful careers originate from industriousness and determination.
Hence
, it helps those with their abilities and contributes to achieving recognition from others.

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grammar
Need to refine some sentences for clarity and grammar. For example, the phrase 'working studious and persistent' should be 'working studiously and persistently'.
examples
Consider providing more concrete and specific examples to better illustrate your points.
clarity
Make sure to define terms like 'success' and 'industriousness' more explicitly to avoid ambiguity.
task response
The essay addresses both viewpoints, successfully discussing each with a fair balance.
structure
The introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a good frame for the discussion.
coherence
The essay logically progresses from one point to another with appropriate linking words and phrases, maintaining a coherent flow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
What to do next:
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