IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

some people think that everyone should look after their health as a duty to the society they live in, rather than their own personal benedit. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is sometimes debated that taking care of well-being is the responsibility of a citizen to their community and
society
Use synonyms
, not just their own benefits. The writer of
this
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 essay totally agrees with
this
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 viewpoint.
Firstly
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, having good
health
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 can contribute to the development of
society
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. To be more specific, people with good
health
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 conditions will have clarity in work, which leads to high productivity.
Moreover
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, several important jobs are physically demanding so only people with good well-being can undertake efficiency. If a workforce is prone to illnesses, it will lead to low productivity and poor outcomes.
As a result
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, it can totally affect the economy.
For instance
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, in the covid 19 pandemic,some Vietnamese
factories'
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factories
show examples
 workers got infected and had to stay home to recover.
Thus
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, the outcome was much lower than the previous year.
Secondly
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,
citizens
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 with high
health
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 standards can reduce the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 burden in terms of
health
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 care. If a great proportion of
citizens
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 in
society
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 suffer from diseases, the government might spend more on medical facilities and allocate more money for financial support to treat them. So, it will be a financial burden on the state’s budget. Take some Western countries as a prime example, where an alarming rate of overweight both children and adults and the authorities have been spending millions of dollars to provide remedies in order to cure obesity-related illnesses for their
citizens
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.
Also
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, when a large
amount
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number
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 of
citizens
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 get into trouble with
health
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 diseases, the medical system is overloaded, which cannot provide prompt and effective treatments.
To conclude
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, I concur with the idea that
citizens
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 have to take care of their well-being as a duty to
society
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 since it reduces the burden on the government and contributes to the development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
In some places, the essay could benefit from additional depth and development of ideas. Adding one or two more points or elaborating further on existing points could provide a more complete response to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in grammar and punctuating multiple clauses or complex sentences to enhance readability and coherence.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and a strong conclusion, effectively framing the argument.
task achievement
The essay makes good use of relevant and specific examples to support the main points, such as the COVID-19 scenario and Western countries' spending on obesity-related treatments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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