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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

some people think that everyone should look after their health as a duty to the society they live in, rather than their own personal benedit. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #health #duty #society #benedit
It is sometimes debated that taking care of well-being is the responsibility of a citizen to their community and
society
, not just their own benefits. The writer of
this
 essay totally agrees with
this
 viewpoint.
Firstly
, having good
health
 can contribute to the development of
society
. To be more specific, people with good
health
 conditions will have clarity in work, which leads to high productivity.
Moreover
, several important jobs are physically demanding so only people with good well-being can undertake efficiency. If a workforce is prone to illnesses, it will lead to low productivity and poor outcomes.
As a result
, it can totally affect the economy.
For instance
, in the covid 19 pandemic,some Vietnamese
factories'
Change noun form
factories
show examples
 workers got infected and had to stay home to recover.
Thus
, the outcome was much lower than the previous year.
Secondly
,
citizens
 with high
health
 standards can reduce the
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 burden in terms of
health
 care. If a great proportion of
citizens
 in
society
 suffer from diseases, the government might spend more on medical facilities and allocate more money for financial support to treat them. So, it will be a financial burden on the state’s budget. Take some Western countries as a prime example, where an alarming rate of overweight both children and adults and the authorities have been spending millions of dollars to provide remedies in order to cure obesity-related illnesses for their
citizens
.
Also
, when a large
amount
Change the quantifier
number
show examples
 of
citizens
 get into trouble with
health
 diseases, the medical system is overloaded, which cannot provide prompt and effective treatments.
To conclude
, I concur with the idea that
citizens
 have to take care of their well-being as a duty to
society
 since it reduces the burden on the government and contributes to the development of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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task achievement
In some places, the essay could benefit from additional depth and development of ideas. Adding one or two more points or elaborating further on existing points could provide a more complete response to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in grammar and punctuating multiple clauses or complex sentences to enhance readability and coherence.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and a strong conclusion, effectively framing the argument.
task achievement
The essay makes good use of relevant and specific examples to support the main points, such as the COVID-19 scenario and Western countries' spending on obesity-related treatments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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