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Band 6

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #world
People
 have different views about whether we are more or less dependent on others nowadays.
While
 many argue we rely on each other more than before, my impression is that
modern
Change preposition
in modern
show examples
 life
people
 have become more independent and self-sufficient. It is true that we are more dependent on each other now.
Firstly
, life is more complex and difficult, especially because the cost of living has increased so dramatically. Young adults tend to rely on their parents for help when buying a house. Property prices are higher than ever, and without
help
Add a comma
help,
show examples
 it would be impossible for many
people
 to pay a deposit and a mortgage.
Secondly
,
people
 seem to be more ambitious nowadays, and they want a better quality of life for their families. So, if both parents need to work full-time, they depend on support from grandparents and babysitters for child care.
However
, I believe with those who say
people
 are more independent these days.
To begin
, in most countries, families are becoming smaller and more dispersed, which means that
people
 cannot count on relatives as much as they used to. We
also
 enjoy more freedom to travel and live far away from our
home towns
Correct your spelling
hometowns
show examples
.
For instance
, more independent as they learn to live alone.
Besides
, in
this
growing
Replace the word
growth
show examples
 many students choose to continue their education abroad
instead
 of going to their local university, and
this
 experience makes them
independence
Replace the word
independent
show examples
is
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
 technology, which allows
us
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 to work alone and from any part of the world.
As a result
, many
people
 do not feel the need to work with a team of colleagues in an office, or rely on a coworker to solve a job-related problem as there are plenty of websites or online blogs they can consult. In conclusion,
although
 there are some reasons to believe that
people
 now depend on each other more, my own view is that we are more independent than ever.
Submitted by Negar_seddigh on

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coherence
Ensure all sentences contribute meaningfully to the main ideas. The essay has a segment that is incomplete or disconnected: 'For instance, more independent as they learn to live alone. Besides, in this growing many students choose to continue their education abroad instead of going to their local university, and this experience makes them independence is technology, which allows us to work alone and from any part of the world.' Try to rephrase or remove unclear sections to maintain coherence.
cohesion
Use more transitional phrases or linking words to enhance the logical flow between points. This improvement would strengthen the overall structure and enhance readability.
introduction conclusion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion that restates the main points effectively.
relevant specific examples
You have provided relevant examples to support your main points, which makes your argument more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalization
  • technological advancements
  • collective action
  • digital evolution
  • minimal reliance
  • direct interaction
  • empowered
  • access to technology
  • societal expectations
  • personal choice
  • leverage
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