IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 8

Successful sports professionals can earn much more than those in other important professions, like nurses, doctors, and teachers. Some people think it is fully justified, while others believe it is unfair. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#sports #professionals #professions #nurses #doctors #teachers #people
Nowadays,
people
 who
work
 in the sports industry earn extraordinary sums of money. Some believe that it completely makes sense.
Nevertheless
, other
people
 argue that it is an imparity and others who
work
 in important sectors, like health or education, are entitled to be paid equally. In
this
 essay, I will examine both perspectives of
this
 notion, and ultimately state my opinion.
People
 who
work
 as professional athletes have numerous financial sources in comparison with those who
work
 in other sectors. They can absorb the sponsor's funds or advertise for a lucrative brand. The value they create for these
people
 and their firms is enormous.
Hence
, in fact, these
people
 will benefit from a portion of the money they actually make. Mr Jordan,
for example
, is one of the most famous faces who exclusively promotes the brand of Nike, a well-known footwear manufacturer in the world.
On the other hand
, the gap between sportsmen and other individuals' income can lead to a negative impact on the ones who
work
 in less stand-out but important sectors.
This
 discrimination would discourage the workforces whose jobs include many hazards and challenges but negligible wages. The consequence of
this
 phenomenon would be a higher turnover rate in careers that are demanding and integral for
society
. Nurses and firefighters are illustrating samples of
this
 subject. Making huge money through these trivial professions sends an inappropriate signal to the young and encourages them to pursue fruitless careers. In the long run, it can damage to structure of human resources of
society
 and cause a rising vacancy for the professions that are needed the most.
For example
, nowadays, pupils are dreaming about being a well-known footballer to become affluent and rich.
To conclude
 the aforementioned material, I must admit that
although
 the huge income gap may seem justified, it conveys many detrimental signals to
society
 and might lead to vast irreversible impacts on the human resource body of
society
.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure, some points could be better developed to enhance clarity. For instance, the second body paragraph could delve deeper into the societal impacts of income disparity in different professions.
task achievement
Ensure that each argument is fully developed with specific and clear examples. For instance, the point about Michael Jordan promoting Nike could be expanded to explain the financial impact on both the brand and the athlete.
writing style
Some sentences can be more concise to improve readability. For example, "The value they create for these people and their firms is enormous" can be rephrased for clarity.
structure
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the key points made.
task response
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced view and providing relevant examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: