IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many governments think that economic progress is the most important goal. Some people ,however, think that authority. Other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#governments #progress #people #authority #country #reason
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In
this
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 contemporary society, the government’s role has engaged the nation's interest. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that economic
growth
Use synonyms
 is the main purpose of
governments
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.
Conversely
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, others might argue that there is additional progress which is equally important to economic
growth
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,
such
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 as social welfare. In
this
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 essay, I will examine both perspectives and provide my viewpoint on
this
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 matter. On the one hand,
people
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 might argue that
governments
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 should prioritize primarily economic
growth
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 to improve
people
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’s financial status.
For example
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,
governments
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 have a crucial role
to attract
Change preposition
in attracting
show examples
 foreign direct investment to increase their economic progress and create more job opportunities for
people
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 to earn their livelihood and spend their money to do economic
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
show examples
such
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 as shopping and buying a house.
As a result
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, economic activists can increase the national budget from taxes and
governments
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 can allocate these funds to invest in new infrastructure projects
such
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 as high-speed railway lines connecting cities to improve the well-being of citizens by time and cost-saving transport.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 might argue that social progress, especially educational free programs, is
important
Rephrase
as important
show examples
 as
economic
Replace the word
economics
show examples
.
Governments
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 should offer
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
free
education
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 for
people
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 to enhance their employability and pursue their dreams.
For instance
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, some
people
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 suffering from poverty and lack of
education
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 can commit a crime to earn a living or some
people
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 might struggle with costly
education
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 debt after graduating.
Therefore
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, authorities should implement their educational fee to reduce crime rates and alleviate their financial burden. In my opinion,
governments
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 should strike a balance between increasing economic
growth
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 and improving social welfare, including free
education
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 depending on each country’s circumstances. The most crucial role of
governments
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 is to enhance the well-being of citizens.
Submitted by bhavifasai on

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task achievement
While the essay does a good job of addressing both perspectives on the issue, it could benefit from more specific examples to strengthen the arguments. For instance, mentioning specific countries or programs can provide a clearer picture for the reader.
coherence cohesion
The transitions between sentences and paragraphs are mostly smooth, but occasionally they can feel slightly abrupt. Consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The main points are relevant and logically structured, contributing to a coherent argument.
task achievement
The writer demonstrates a good understanding of both sides of the issue, providing a balanced discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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