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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Freshwater has always been a limited resource in some parts of the world. Today, however, growing worldwide demand has made this a global problem. What are the causes of this increased demand, and what measures could governments and individuals take to respond to this problem?

#resource #parts #world #demand #measures #governments #individuals
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An increase in
water
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 demand has increased in recent years as freshwater has been considered
as
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apply
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a limited resource and has become a main problem in the world. In
this
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 essay, both reasons and solutions
of
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to
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this
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 matter will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
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 with, there are several reasons why freshwater is now a global problem and one of the most significant is the carelessness of citizens. To explain in greater detail, many people still use an excessive amount of
water
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 in their household chores or in their lifestyles.
Furthermore
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, in some countries, a number of
water
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 activities organised by the government are still being held and
thus
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 a large amount of
water
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 is used. To specifically demonstrate, in my country, Thailand, as we already know there are many countries all around the world that lack
water
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, I can still see plenty of individuals open their taps during car washes, do the dishes, etc.
In addition
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, the authorities just recently organised
Songkran
Correct article usage
the Songkran
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 festival and used a ton of
water
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 in
this
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 event. On the other side of the coin, in order to tackle and address
this
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 problem, we need a high level of collaboration and cooperation between the governments and residents. To elaborate
further
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, the states have to incentivise and encourage the public to highly pay attention to
water
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 usage.
Moreover
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, people
also
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 need to pressure and discourage their governments from organising events that work on an excessive amount of
water
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. An apt illustration of
this
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 is that in Japan, the government already launched upcoming and emerging campaigns about reducing
water
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 usage in households and if more than the maximum point, those households will be fined.
Besides
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, when the government is trying to set events that use freshwater, citizens always voice and lodge complaints in order to stop those activities.
At the end
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 of the day, it is undeniable that
water
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 insufficiency these days become a vital issue in our world as some people still ignore their
water
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-related activities.
Therefore
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, we need an effective and productive synergy between the states and citizens to ease and mitigate
this
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 matter promptly.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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Task Response
Overall, your essay is coherent and logically structured. However, try to avoid redundancy in phrasing. For example, instead of saying 'An increase in water demand has increased,' you can say 'Water demand has increased.' This will help to make your writing more concise.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay's organization is strong, but it would benefit from more varied transitional phrases. This would improve the flow between your paragraphs and make your arguments clearer to the reader.
Task Response
Your main points are supported well, but try to integrate more specific examples and data to strengthen your arguments. This will not only support your points more effectively but also make your essay more convincing.
Task Response
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which adds to its overall coherence. You clearly outline the causes and solutions, making it easy for the reader to follow your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically structured, and each paragraph focuses on a single idea, which is well-supported. This makes your argument easy to follow and understand.
Task Response
You provide relevant examples, particularly those related to Thailand and Japan, which help to substantiate your points. This adds relevance and depth to your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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