There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, adolescents are pressured to excel academically.

Hence

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, numerous people think that to succeed in the academic category, non-academic

subjects

Use synonyms

like cookery and physical education should be removed from the school syllabus. I strongly disagree with

this

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opinion,

this

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is because there are many ways to be a successful person, not only academically. First and foremost, being academically smart is great,

due to

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the fact that it will bring many opportunities in the future.

However

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, success in life is not only defined by academic work. Many people have carved their path to becoming successful in the non-academic sector.

For instance

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, in the old times, there was Pablo Picasso, an extraordinary painter. He was crowned as one of the most successful painters of all time. That was proof that it is achievable to succeed from the non-academic lane.

Secondly

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, doing work

besides

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learning science

subjects

Use synonyms

in school will benefit the kids with more creativity. It will activate their right brains, allowing them to think out of the box,

Correct word choice

and be

show examples

different on good terms.

Moreover

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, doing

subjects

Use synonyms

like physical education can make children healthier and happier,

this

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is because

Correct article usage

the dopamine

show examples

dopamine

Correct article usage

the dopamine

show examples

hormone will be released during exercise. In conclusion, I do not recommend removing non-academic

subjects

Use synonyms

in order to make youngsters excel academically. By learning both

subjects

Use synonyms

, they will become a complete person. Being balanced in both of their brains will resulting a great outcome. Excel in academics does not mean neglecting the non-academic.

Moreover

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, there are many proofs that people can succeed from different paths, not only from the academic sector.

nputera.ramadhaniSun Jun 02 2024

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coherence cohesion

Ensure that each paragraph has a clear and distinct main idea. This will improve the logical structure, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.

task achievement

Some sentences can be more concise. Try to avoid redundancy, such as 'excel academically in academic category.' Consider using variety in your sentence structures as well.

coherence cohesion

The introduction and conclusion are well-written and clearly outline the main argument of the essay.

task achievement

Main points are well-supported with relevant examples, such as the mention of Pablo Picasso, which strengthens the argument.

task achievement

The essay addresses all parts of the prompt, providing a well-rounded discussion on the topic.

8
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
1
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 6.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 7.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

259 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

pressure
succeed
academically
non-academic
physical education
cookery
school syllabus
concentrate
academic work
well-rounded
enhancement
practical skills
balanced education system

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