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Band 5

In some countries, more and more adults are continuing to live with their parents even after they have completed their education and found jobs. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvangtages?

#countries #adults #parents #education #jobs #disadvangtages
It is concerned
that
Correct word choice
apply
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whether the adults remain living with their family after completing education education and
having
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whether having
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 jobs is more beneficial or not. The writer of
this
 essay agrees that the advantages of being with family are financial stability
as well as
lessen
Wrong verb form
lessening
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 tension outweigh the negative development of creating
the
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apply
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independence
of
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for
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 those young adults. The primary merit for the young who
lives
Correct subject-verb agreement
live
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 with their
parents
 is reducing
the
Correct article usage
apply
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financial concerns. To put it simply, as the economy in many countries is increasing significantly, the cost of living is
also
 affected which leads to the expensive rent in many
student's
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student
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 flats.
Additionally
, with
the
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apply
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assistance from
parents
, these young will
be
Verb problem
find it
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 much easier to save their own money and will not suffer from the financial burden. Alleviating stress is another point worth
consideration
Replace the word
considering
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.
In other words
,
although
 these young adults have to bear the stress
while
 they are studying or working, their emotional bonds will support and encourage them so that these young will not only become more sustainable but
also
 boost their efficiency in
works
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work
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. Take 20th-century genius as an example, when there is
an
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a
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 failure in work, just with the encouragement from their family, they would quickly stand back on their foot.
However
, many people
belives
Verb problem
believe
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 that children can be dependent on the people around them. To explain
further
, with the help
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
parents
, children can be limited in the development of self-reliance so that they can lose abilities to manage their own lives.
This
 may be true, but
parents
 play a guiding role in helping their young develop essential skills before moving out so that
this
become
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becomes
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 the
parents
' responsibility. In conclusion, after graduating, living with
parents
 will help the young a lot in their
finance
Fix the agreement mistake
finances
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 and their mental health rather than pushing them into limited areas.
Thus
, family is an important factor in creating a solid foundation among the young.
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task achievement
While you have a clear stance throughout the essay, some ideas lack sufficient development and detailed examples that can strongly support your arguments. Additionally, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that could be refined to ensure clarity and coherence.
task achievement
Ensure you address opposing views more robustly, perhaps by dedicating a separate paragraph to counterarguments. This demonstrates a strong ability to consider multiple perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Your essay flows well, but the transitions between some points could be smoother. Try to use linking words or phrases more consistently to guide the reader more seamlessly from one idea to the next.
coherence cohesion
You have an introduction and conclusion, but work on making your conclusion more reflective of the arguments presented and less formulaic. Summarize main points more effectively to strengthen your conclusion.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that frames the essay effectively.
task achievement
Your essay stays on topic and addresses the question directly, demonstrating a good understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
The arguments you present are relevant and align with the key points of the essay question.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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