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Band 7.5

Developing medical treatments and medications is expensive. Some people think that it is better to spend the money on health-oriented preventive education. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

#treatments #medications #people #money #education #outweigh
The cost of developing health treatments and medications is getting higher,
thus
 some individuals think that it is more beneficial to spend the
money
 on health-oriented preventive education. In
this
 essay, I will explain the benefits overshadow the drawbacks. On the one hand, if the technology of medical therapy or pills developed well, it can make doctors are easier to identify the illness.
For instance
, they can give the best advice and drugs to their patient. The other thing, it would decrease the number of false diagnoses by health practices. Because of that innovation,
people
 might spend more
money
 to get the best treatment.
On the other hand
, it is very useful for fitness practices to give some impending lessons to
people
 about a healthy life rather than evolve the innovation of medical treatments.
First,
creating the information is something that needs less
money
 as at present so many cheap tools can be used.
For example
, they can give education through social media
such
 as Facebook, advertisements on the internet or television, or they can create a health forum for the
people
.
Secondly
, when
people
 are more aware of their condition, they can have a strong body that can hardly to infected or contaminated by sickness.
Furthermore
, they can reduce their medical therapy expenses and spend on other things
such
 as hygiene food. In conclusion,
while
 modern technology of fitness treatments can make it easier to identify
people
's illnesses, preventing our bodies from sickness because of having a strong body is more important as
people
 can save less
money
 on fitness expenses.
Therefore
, I remain firmly convinced that the demerits are eclipsed by the merits.
Submitted by alfathemaster on

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task achievement
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coherence cohesion
Although your essay has a logical structure, some transitions between ideas can be made smoother for better coherence. Use linking phrases to connect your ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
Try to balance the development of both sides of the argument to provide a more comprehensive response, thereby enhancing your essay's completeness.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction that sets the context and a conclusion that reinforces your stance effectively.
coherence cohesion
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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