IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In today's world of advanced science and techonology, we still greatly vaulue our artists such as muscians, painters and writers. What can art tell us about life that science and technology cannot?

#world #science #techonology #vaulue #artists #muscians #painters #writers #art #life #technology
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In contemporary society, despite the developed technology, individuals who work in artistic fields
such
 as musicians, painters and writers are still valued by humans. The writer of
this
 essay argues that art can teach certain lessons in life that people cannot learn from science and technology. It is undeniable that craft is a form of creativity which means it can be understood in various
meaning
Fix the agreement mistake
meanings
show examples
.
In other words
, artworks show society how to think from different perspectives which the science world cannot offer because of its stringent rules.
Constrastly
Correct your spelling
Constantly
, in artistic fields, individuals are allowed to freely use their imagination and;
therefore
, develop their cognitive thinking skills.
Consequently
,
this
 way of thinking helps people to gain deeper insight into things and easily think of possible solutions when encountering problems.
For instance
, a cat is just only an ordinary animal in researchers' eyes;
however
, a cat in literature can be a family member, a friend or even a hero who can help the world. Another essential skill in life that art can provide is how to sympathize with others. To simplify, as the world is rapidly developing, individuals are getting busier which leads to ignorance towards life and surroundings.
However
,
community
Add an article
the community
a community
show examples
 can again find their feelings and emotions back through artistic pieces because every artwork instils the writer's thoughts in it. Take music as a prime example which has been used in many charity campaigns to encourage people to donate to the poor. A survey conducted in Korea shows that with music, some organizations are able to raise funds up to millions of dollars. In conclusion, it is the opinion of
this
 writer that only art can teach humans how to observe from different views
as well as
 support other lives which cannot be taught by either technology or science.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence
Your essay addresses the topic well and covers multiple aspects of what art can teach us that science and technology cannot. However, ensure that all sections of your essay are clearly connected and that your ideas flow smoothly. This will enhance readability and coherence.
coherence
Make sure your introduction starts strong and clearly sets out what your essay will cover. Similarly, your conclusion should succinctly summarize your main points while reinforcing your argument.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples that support your points, which strengthens your argument. Ensure that your examples and explanations are consistently clear and directly relate to the main points you are making.
task achievement
Avoid minor errors in spelling and word choice (e.g., 'Constrastly' should be 'In contrast,' and 'craft' might be better as 'art'). This helps maintain a polished and professional tone in your writing.
task response
Your ability to identify unique aspects of art, such as encouraging empathy and diverse perspectives, is excellent. These points provide a compelling case for the value of art.
task response
The examples you used, such as the cat in literature and the use of music in charity campaigns, are relevant and effectively illustrate your points.
coherence
The logical structure of your essay is strong. You presented your arguments in a clear and organized manner, making it easy to follow your points.
task response
Your essay covers a range of ideas and demonstrates good understanding of the topic. This adds depth to your discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: