IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people believe that more actions can be taken to prevent crime, while others think that little can be done. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

#people #actions #crime
In the contemporary era,
crime
 rates have increased rapidly in comparison with the previous years.Many individuals argue that it is our responsibility to prevent illegal
activities
,
whereas
 a few groups of
people
 say we can not contribute much towards the prevention of
crime
.In my opinion,I agree with the former view,because awareness and protection are responsibilities of everyone,
,
Change the punctuation
apply
show examples
I will discuss both viewpoints in the upcoming paragraphs. On the one hand,some
people
 believe that reducing the
crime
 rate is everyone's duty and I agree with them.
Firstly
, awareness camps are run by the government,but very few
people
 are participating with them,
therefore
,the success rate of
this
 strategy is very low. If the majority of the population is involved,there will be significant positive outcomes.
For example
,
according to
 a recent survey,there is the least population participating from the rural areas in awareness programs.Another reason is not following the guidelines of the authorities.There are lots of illegal
activities
 reported,because of not obeying the rules and regulations
such
 as drink and driving,overspeeding and misuse of the internet.
On the other hand
,other
people
 stated that we cannot help more to stop criminal
activities
.
The first
Correct article usage
First
show examples
 and foremost
is that
Verb problem
,
show examples
it is all up to the higher authorities to tackle
this
 situation.To elaborate, the government bodies should take strict actions against the
people
,who are breaking the rules ,so others can learn from that.
Furthermore
, schools and universities may put more focus on educating young students,because they are the main culprits, who are largely part of these
crime
 reports.
For instance
,
according to
 one police survey, 30-35% of youngsters are involved in criminal events every year. In conclusion,though a few
people
 believe that it is all the responsibility of the authorities,I feel that
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is combined approach from every citizen and the government will help to reduce illegal
activities
 as soon as possible.
Submitted by pp6859 on

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coherence
The essay could benefit from better organization. For instance, clearer separation between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion is necessary.
task achievement
Try to include more specific examples and statistical data to validate your points.
coherence
Work on reducing run-on sentences and improving sentence variety. This will make your essay easier to read.
task achievement
You effectively covered both viewpoints, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.
coherence
Introduction and conclusion are present, making the essay complete.
coherence
The use of transitions such as 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' promotes coherence.
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