IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

some people say that all people should stay in full time education until they are at least 18 years old . to what extent do you agree or disagree

#people #time #education #years
Nowadays, many people believe that admission who
before
Add a missing verb
are before
show examples
 18 years old should
be used
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 all of their
time
 in education. In the opinion of the writer think that it is not necessary because education must have a particular
schedule
 to bring
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
effective
Replace the word
effects
show examples
 to
students
.
Firstly
, to bring a good student, a
schedule
 with the things that enlistment have to complete cannot be lacked because
with
Add the comma(s)
, with
show examples
 the
schedule
,
students
 can know
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
what they need to do and how long they will finish it,
this
 way can improve
students
 in their independent and help them to safe their
time
 than study all of the
time
 without a
schedule
 that can give them more free
time
 to more essential things.
Secondly
,
students
 who before 18 years old are
also
a child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 who study too much is not a good way to develop themselves physically. So
instead
 of spending all their occasion on their learning, children should balance their studies and physical improvement to become good
students
 and
also
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good physical fitness. In conclusion, the writer
believe
Change the verb form
believes
show examples
 that it is not the best way for
students
 to use full-
time
 for their education to study
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they need to focus on physical like doing exercise and applying
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
, to be in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
condition
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay provides a clear stance on the topic but would benefit from richer, more detailed examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Structuring your essay with clear paragraphs for each point can greatly improve clarity. For example, one paragraph could discuss the importance of schedules in education, and another could address the balance between education and physical activities.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents your position on the issue.
coherence cohesion
You have presented a logical flow of ideas, moving from schedules to the importance of balancing physical and educational growth.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • fundamental cornerstone
  • literacy and numeracy
  • social inequalities
  • foundation of knowledge
  • social mobility
  • informed and engaged citizenry
  • democratic processes
  • youth crime rates
  • productive activities
  • vocational training
  • workforce
  • stifling individual talent
  • economic contribution
  • stress and mental health issues
  • unsuitable educational system
  • one-size-fits-all approach
  • diverse talents
  • career paths
  • formal academic education
  • financial strains
  • low-income countries
  • improving quality of education
What to do next:
Look at other essays: