IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think government should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems to help prevent illness and diseas. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #focus #pollution #illness #diseas
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The problems of the environment and finding a house are the most important issues in society. some folk argue that these problems have to be stopped by the government,
otherwise
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, it could spread of diseases. I strongly agree with
this
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 prospect, and
this
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 essay will argue that these problems have to be stopped,
due to
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 the increases in the economic situation and emigration of the younger
people
Use synonyms
.
to begin
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 with, air pollution could be an important reason for financial resources.
That is
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 to say, when the environment is dirtier, which is the biggest crisis for elderly
people
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 and children, the number of illnesses is higher. When more crowds are sick, countries have to spend more budget for them to prevent their disease.
For instance
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, the
people
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 who are sick, use their insurance completely and the communication has to allocate more funds for
this
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 issue.
Moreover
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, housing troubles are the important reasons for emigration.
In other words
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, if a person cannot to able find a house for their family, they will think about emigration, which pays more attention to their needs.
While
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 more crowds migrate, the population of the country will decrease, and it could be a bigger problem, as every society needs a young population to develop its economic systems. Despite the above reasons, it is
people
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, who have to control their birth. It means that with less reproduction the number of houses is increasing.
Nevertheless
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, the government should cope with the troubles of the house finding. In conclusion, if the government did not pay more attention to the pollution of the environment and accommodation issues, it would have more disadvantages, as a society experiences swell and less population.
Submitted by pooya.olad on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the topic, but some points need to be elaborated further with more detailed arguments and evidence. For example, you mentioned that environmental pollution could lead to financial burdens, but you didn't provide specific examples or data to support this claim. Adding more detailed and varied examples would strengthen your task response.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your essay. While you have a clear introduction and conclusion, the transitions between your points could be smoother. Use linking phrases to clearly connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph develops a single main idea clearly. In some places, the ideas seem a bit mixed and less focused. For instance, you could dedicate one paragraph solely to discussing environmental pollution and its effects, and another to housing problems and migration, without mixing the two too much.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which frame your essay well.
task achievement
You make a strong and clear initial statement about your position on the topic, which helps to focus your essay.
task achievement
You address both major points in the prompt—environmental pollution and housing problems—and discuss their impacts on society.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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