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Band 6.5

Some countries have an ever-increasing proportion of population who are aged at 15 or younger. What is your opinion of the current and future effects it may have in those countries

#countries #proportion #population #future #effects
Nowadays, the percentage of
children
 under 15 years old in some countries has increased. In
this
 essay, I will discuss the potential problem of
this
trend
, and
then
 describe the possible effects of
this
 issue in the present and future. Raising the
children
population
 in some countries leads to some problems.
Firstly
, increasing the
number
 of
children
 means that families have more than one or two
children
. So, parents should work harder and
further
 to provide their
children
`s requirements. It means that they spend a lot of time in the workplace
while
 their
children
 need them for parenting and it could be a problem.
Furthermore
, there are limited facilities in each country that support the education and health of
children
.
Hence
, by increasing the
population
 of
children
 it is not possible for all of them to use these facilities as the same there would lead to some issues in society. Overpopulation of
children
 has some possible current and future effects. The main current effect of
this
trend
 is changing the government`s investing programs. It means that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 governments should invest in increasing the
number
 of schools, parks, sports salons and
also
 teachers and coaches for training
children
. So, it may result in stopping some of the other projects.
In addition
, the future effect of
this
trend
 will be the huge
number
 of young who are of working age and need jobs.
Therefore
, the
number
 of factories, companies and industries should be increased to provide decent jobs for
this
population
. In conclusion, ever-increasing the
children
population
 lead to some problems including the gap between
children
 and parents because of parents` working time and the lack of public facilities for
children
.
This
trend
 has some effects too as I mentioned.
Submitted by n.fallahi327 on

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task achievement
Make sure to use consistent grammar and word choice. For example, change 'sports salons' to 'sports facilities' for clarity.
task achievement
Develop more detailed examples to support your main points. Specific examples can help to illustrate your ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Link your paragraphs more smoothly with transition words. This can help to improve the overall flow of your essay, making your argument easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Good structure with clear paragraphs and logical organization.
coherence cohesion
The introduction provides a clear outline of the essay topic and the conclusion effectively summarizes the points made.
task achievement
You addressed the task competently, discussing both the potential problems and future effects of an increasing proportion of young children in the population.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ever-increasing
  • proportion
  • vibrant
  • innovative
  • strain
  • cater
  • predominantly
  • unemployment
  • adequately
  • GDP (Gross Domestic Product)
  • sustainability
  • demographic
  • reforms
  • social unrest
  • illusioned
  • dynamic
  • global stage
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