IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activities of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activities #people
In
this
 era of property, the authorities concentrated on the education of
students
 not too much care about the activities they do in their rest
time
.
This
 writer will argue that the ministry not only invests in the education of the young but
also
 spends money on acting in their free
time
. It is vital to understand that all
students
 must have free
time
 to do some movement to respond to the self demands after studying for a long
time
. With
this
 advantageous factor, the political money should expand the facilities for the young to play including the playground, a room which is served for mindset games with a concentrated environment or
common
Correct article usage
a common
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
basketball yard, a leather soccer field, badminton yard. Some research illustrated those
students
 who play some mindset games or play sports can improve their brains and awaken their nerves. It is beneficial for young turn into active, more flexible and energetic.
Therefore
, the government should spend money on free
time
 activities company with schooling. Another key component of the case for disbursing is to open some exchanged curriculums with the psychologist and the senior-experienced teacher in their leisure
time
 to improve their social
skills
, soft
skills
 and their moral, spirit. Learning more about the knowledge in
this
 field young people can face with bad circumstances gets them out of risk, danger or threat.
In other words
, the ministry propagates people's expertise in teaching social
skills
 to treat somebody or something.
Students
 can find it easier to solve problems and fight with issues. To recapitulate, it is better for
students
 or young people when the government layout in education but
also
 they should pay out in activities in their free
time
 for young to kick back and relax and get out of pressure or more than it performs some lecture reach about soft
skills
 on communication with stranger.

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task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear indication of the topic but could be more concise. Consider stating your argument more directly without unnecessary elaboration.
task achievement
Your main points are relevant and supported with examples, but they could be better developed. Try to provide more detailed examples or explanations to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay's structure is generally logical, but transitions between paragraphs and ideas could be smoother. Use linking phrases like 'Furthermore,' 'Moreover,' or 'On the other hand' to improve the flow.
coherence cohesion
There are minor grammatical inaccuracies and awkward expressions throughout the essay. Proofreading your work and perhaps working on some grammar exercises could help improve this aspect.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion summarizes the main points clearly and leaves a strong final impression. Reiterate your key arguments more effectively.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt directly and provides relevant arguments and examples.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear and logical structure in your essay with a discernible introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas are original and your argument is easy to follow.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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