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Band 7

Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #government #money #time #activity #people
The government has spent too much on the
education
 of students
while
 it is argued that more government cash should be used for the purpose of organizing social
activities
as well as
 extracurricular courses.
This
 essay will argue that it is better to involve extracurricular
activities
 in school for young people rather than only concentrate on
education
.
To begin
 with, using money on
education
 for children is important but anything too much is not good and
education
 is the same. Studying too much can cause stress and lead to a decline in mental
health
 and
also
 affect the development of the ability to think and learn of young people.
As a consequence
, the young
also
 lack social skills and physical
health
also
 be affected, students will become weaker and
also
 depend on their families. Another key component is that having rest during a long study period can bring several benefits for the young. More likely,
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 both their mental
health
 and physical
health
, release stress and avoid having mental problems like depression or autism.
Additionally
, playing many sports and involving in many
activities
 can
also
 help children develop intellectual and
as a result
 these learners can study better after these events. Participating in many
activities
 can
also
 help increase the young’s soft skills like improving their ability to tackle problems, communication skills and abilities to work in a team.
Thus
, it can be seen that organizing free time
activities
 for young learners can bring many advantages over only using money on
education
 and the results these
activities
 bring afterwards are even better than people can predict.
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task achievement
In your task response, ensure that you expand on your main points with more detailed and relevant examples. This will strengthen your argument and show a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your use of cohesion is generally good, but make sure that the transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smooth and clear. This can often be achieved by using linking words or phrases properly.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear argument and stays on topic throughout, which is a strong point in task response.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are both present, which helps to frame the essay well. This is beneficial for overall coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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