Too much emphasis is given for education of the young. More government money should be spent to free time activity of young people . To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

There has been a common belief that
people
who are divided in their opinion regarding
education
have a vital role in the formative future of the young generation.
However
, there are some debaters that government funding should support free
time
activities
. From my perspective,
both
views have their merits, I agree with
both
statements. The following essay takes a look at
both
views. On the one hand, investing in the
education
of young
people
is crucial for their personal development, future opportunities and the
overall
well-being of society.
In particular
,
education
plays a fundamental role in equipping young generations with essential knowledge,
skills
Correct word choice
and skills
show examples
to succeed in life, pursue their passions, and contribute meaningfully to society.
For example
, students from European universities are the clearest proof,
their
Correct word choice
that their
show examples
education
system is carefully invested to ensure the quality of their students after graduation.
Moreover
, investing in
education
can
increased
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
employment opportunities, higher earning potential, and
overall
societal progress.
On the other hand
, providing funding for free
time
activities
for young
people
is
also
important in promoting their holistic growth and well-rounded development. Engaging in free
time
activities
such
as sports, arts, and music can enhance young
people
's creativity, social skills, physical well-being, and mental health. Creating extracurricular or physical
activities
is
also
a way to help young
people
feel less pressured after stressful classes, create a more relaxed mind, and stimulate the development of the brain and thinking.
For instance
, adding some physical
education
classes during study
time
helps students have
time
to
both
exercise physically and relax their minds. In conclusion,
both
education
and extracurricular play complementary roles in shaping well-rounded individuals who are not only academically proficient but
also
socially adept, physically active, and emotionally resilient.

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introduction conclusion
Try to sharpen your thesis statement in the introduction. While you mention that both views have merits, make it clearer which side you lean towards, or state explicitly that you fully agree with both perspectives.
logical structure
Ensure transitional phrases are smooth and well-connected. Phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' are effective, but ensure all paragraphs flow logically from one to another.
supported main points
Support your points with more specific examples. You mentioned European universities, but giving more detailed descriptions or statistics can strengthen your argument.
complete response
Your essay addresses both perspectives effectively, considering both the importance of education and recreational activities. This balanced approach demonstrates depth in your analysis.
logical structure
The structure of your essay is clear and logical, with distinctive paragraphs for introduction, argumentation, and conclusion.
relevant specific examples
You provide relevant examples to illustrate your points. For instance, mentioning European universities adds credibility to your arguments about education quality.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overemphasis
  • burnout
  • well-being
  • mental health
  • social inclusion
  • non-academic skills
  • recreational facilities
  • antisocial behaviors
  • extracurricular activities
  • diverse interests
  • personal growth
  • real-world skills
  • intellectual society
  • undue stress
  • teamwork
  • societal development
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