IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Topic: some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play\ with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the children of having a large number of toys?

#topic #parents #children #toys #play\
Parents these days mostly indulge their offspring by purchasing tons of
toys
 and allowing them to spend their time on those things. In
this
 essay, both
positive
Correct article usage
the positive
show examples
 and negative effects of
this
 matter will be outlined before reaching a conclusion. At the outset, there are a number of benefits that
toys
 will provide to children and one of the most significant is creativity. To elaborate
further
, minors can practise and improve their thinking processes by playing
some
Change preposition
with some
show examples
 puzzle
toys
.
Moreover
, figurines
such
 as
animation
Replace the word
animated
show examples
 characters or animals will enhance their imagination and gain more knowledge about the anatomy of living things. An apt illustration of
this
 is my cousin has spent his time playing
puzzle
Change preposition
with puzzle
show examples
toys
 and legos since he was 3 years old.
Therefore
, five years later, my aunt told me that his scores in Mathematics and Science subjects were better as he could comprehend and organise his methods of thinking
as well as
 explain the body and organs of living things. On the flip side, it is undeniable that giving children a large number of
toys
 will bring them several drawbacks and the most crucial one is that they are spoilt for choices. To explain in greater detail, they will be self-centred and if their parents do not buy them
toys
, they will be vexed and crossed.
Furthermore
,
this
 notion only offers the younger generation a sense of living beyond their means because they can possess anything by asking their parents. To specifically demonstrate, when I was at primary school, one of my friends always asked his mother for money to buy him
toys
 and he always had it.
However
, there was a day when his mother decided not to give him because she just wanted to teach him to put money aside and
hence
 he was throwing tantrums and hitting his mom. All in all, it is a fact that buying a gigantic number of
toys
 can provide the new generation with advantages
such
 as creativity that will be useful when they grow up;
in contrast
, spoiling leads to bad and horrible behaviours.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure and is organized well overall. However, certain transitional phrases and connections can be made stronger to enhance the flow of ideas between paragraphs.
task achievement
There are strong examples, but occasionally the language used could be more precise. Ensure that each idea is connected back to the main argument of the paragraph to maintain logical clarity.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the prompt, addressing both the advantages and disadvantages clearly.
task achievement
You have given relevant and specific examples, which significantly strengthen your main points.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is well-maintained, and both the introduction and conclusion effectively encapsulate the main ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • enhanced creativity
  • motor skill development
  • educational benefits
  • social skills
  • overstimulation
  • cognitive abilities
  • fine motor skills
  • gross motor skills
  • sharing and cooperation
  • shorter attention spans
  • lack of value
  • gratitude and appreciation
  • environmental impact
  • non-recyclable materials
  • materialistic values
  • sense of entitlement
What to do next:
Look at other essays: