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Writing Samples
Band 7

Parents are putting a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

#parents #pressure #children #development
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It is common nowadays that
children
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 are put under numerous pressures by their
parents
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 to succeed. The writer,
however
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, advocates that
this
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 stems from ensuring
children
Use synonyms
's job prospects and cultural purposes. In light of
this
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, it is clear a negative development as it brings mental problems for their child. It must be acknowledged that all caregivers want their
children
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 to become successful.
This
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 can happen only if they put a frequent strain on their child and they will get used to those burdens in the long-term.
As a consequence
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, not only teenagers can put up with work pressure in the future but
also
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 gain more discipline in their lifestyle, which are the basic needs of one employee to gain promotions in their job,
thus
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 having a decent salary and becoming a successful individual. Another point that should be taken into consideration is cultural norms.
That is
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 to say, ancestors believe that
parents
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 or caregivers are the most important factors for their offspring's success. If not, they will be regarded as irresponsible
parents
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. Considering
this
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, they must implement stringent disciplinary measures, placing significant responsibility on their offspring to ensure they are not judged unfavourably by others.
This
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 is true in Vietnam where a prevalence of
parents
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 apply strict rules
consist
Correct pronoun usage
that consist
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 of burdens to their
children
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 to satisfy cultural concepts. The writer,
nonetheless
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, contends that
this
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 teaching style can harm offspring's mental health. To be more specific, the common action of putting pressure on their child can lead to disorder in psychological thought as at
this
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 age they want to be more independent rather than obey strict rules and many burdens.
Consequently
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,
children
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 will end up with stress symptoms or are willing to against their parent's rules.
To conclude
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, the act of putting strain on
children
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 comes from the wish to become successful and the concept of culture. Utterly, it is a negative development as
parents
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 will bring mental problems for their
children
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.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in achieving a coherent structure. However, try to make a smoother transition between some paragraphs to further improve the flow.
task achievement
Ensure your main points are consistently supported with specific and relevant examples. While the cultural point about Vietnam is good, it would be helpful to add more specific details or examples in other sections as well.
task achievement
Some sentences could be rephrased for better clarity. For instance, 'The writer, however, advocates that this stems from ensuring children's job prospects and cultural purposes.' could be rephrased to 'I believe that this pressure stems from parents wanting to ensure their children's job prospects and due to cultural expectations.'
task achievement
Your essay addresses both parts of the question effectively, discussing reasons for the pressure and its positive or negative impact.
coherence cohesion
You have used some good linking words and phrases (e.g., 'it must be acknowledged', 'another point that should be taken into consideration', 'to conclude').
task achievement
The example of cultural norms in Vietnam is relevant and adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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