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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents to go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents' absence. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#world #families #parents #work #say #children #benefit #income #lack #support #absence
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In recent years, with the significant changes in our lifestyle, and family dynamics becoming more and more modern, family demands have
also
 changed to a large extent which requires both
parents
 to work.
Although
 some people believe that
this
 can turn to the
children
’s advantage since
parents
 can make more money, others disagree on the grounds that it causes the
children
 to suffer from insufficient
support
 from their family. I agree with the second group. In the following, I will explore both views and elaborate on my own. People who
support
 the idea of both
parents
 working outside their homes, demonstrate some merits for it. They are of the opinion that since
children
 nowadays have plenty of demands most of them require a good financial situation, and it is better for
parents
 to earn enough money to provide them with what they need. They believe that if
children
 are deprived of what they want, they might go through psychological disorders like depression.
For instance
,
children
 who are underprivileged in comparison with their contemporaries, are more likely to get isolated at school.
Besides
 that,
parents
 who work are usually of more stable mental health since working gives them a chance to stay away from the never-ending family duties.
As a result
, they appreciate their quality time with their
children
 and build a healthy parent-child relationship.
On the other hand
,
parents
 working outside can lead to some disadvantages. One of the major drawbacks of
this
 case is that their
children
 often suffer from inadequate emotional
support
 from the family. These
children
 usually deal with their problems alone and try not to burden their
parents
 with their own problems as their
parents
 are always busy working.
For example
, the offspring of a couple of doctors are mostly complaining about lack of quality time with their
parents
.
Additionally
, because of the fact that employed
parents
 don’t have the time to raise their
children
 properly, their
children
 are often ill-mannered and behave poorly. All in all,
while
 some think it is beneficial to
children
 that their
parents
 work because their demands are sorted out better, I agree with the opposing opinion. I
also
 believe that the less emotional
support
 a child gets, the worse his mental well-being. I have no doubt that what every child needs the most is a warm loving family to look after them and raise them decently.
Submitted by basri.fateme on

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task achievement
Consider refining your introduction to be clearer and more concise. State your opinion more directly and perhaps briefly outline the structure of your essay. This will improve the overall clarity and direction of your response.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the transitions between paragraphs to create a smoother flow. Although your essay is generally coherent, the flow can be enhanced by using more varied and precise transitional phrases.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples, which help in illustrating the points effectively. This enhances the task response significantly.
supported main points
The main points are well-supported with explanations and examples, making it clear and comprehensive. This strengthens both task response and coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • dual-income household
  • financial stability
  • extracurricular activities
  • role models
  • self-reliance
  • independent
  • emotional well-being
  • work-life balance
  • neglected
  • quality time
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