IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.

#world #life #expectancy #individuals #society #measures #impact #populations
In industrial
countries
, average longevity is rising, resulting in some negative impacts on citizens and councils.
This
 essay will discuss the disadvantages of
this
 matter
as well as
 some ways to tackle them.
To begin
 with, there are several negative downsides to
this
 matter.
Firstly
, a greater tax burden for working adults will be attributed to an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population. More and more people reach retirement age, which allows them to receive a pension.
This
 subsidy does not require paying tax, thereby placing tax pressure on adults to maintain the development of a country.
Additionally
, the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population will see a rise in healthcare demand, which is completely free for the elderly in some
countries
. The budget spent on
this
 area will be a burden for governments.
However
, there are various actions that governments could take to tackle the above problems. First of all, an increase in the retirement age will be necessary. The authorities had better increase the working age up to 65 for females and 70 for males
due to
 the superior living standards these days, which help the elderly still work more productively.
Secondly
, policymakers ought to consider migration incentives. These encouragements are partly increasing the number of adolescents who pay taxes. Australia and Germany are two good examples of
this
 issue, as more and more people are going to migrate to these
countries
 to reside and work.
Finally
, national budgets will need to be taken from other areas and spent on medical care. In conclusion, taxes and healthcare are two significant problems of the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 process among people in well-off
countries
,
however
, there are some methods to address them.
Submitted by hongmien.n on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic well with clear and comprehensive responses. However, it could benefit from stronger connections between ideas and more elaboration on certain points. For example, explain further how increasing the retirement age helps in mitigating the impact of an ageing population.
coherence cohesion
Work on further improving the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Consider adding more transitional phrases to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the essay, and your conclusion clearly summarizes the main points, which enhances overall readability.
supported main points
You provide relevant examples that support your arguments well, such as references to Australia and Germany regarding migration incentives.
complete response
You address both the problems and potential solutions comprehensively, showing a good understanding of the task.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • average life expectancy
  • developed world
  • increase
  • individuals
  • society
  • personal goals
  • ambitions
  • quality of life
  • leisure
  • recreation
  • healthcare costs
  • challenges
  • healthcare system
  • ageing population
  • shortage
  • available workers
  • economy
  • retirement planning
  • healthy lifestyles
  • investing
  • social support systems
What to do next:
Look at other essays: