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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general education across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrow range of subjects related to a particular career. Which do you think is appropriate in today’s world?

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Several countries around the world believe that students ought to be taught different courses in junior high school,
whereas
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, other nations only provide a small number of related subjects. I believe that teenagers should be exposed to various fields because they can increase their knowledge and bring benefits to their future. On the one hand, being able to study different sessions may improve pupils' insight and give them the power to understand distinctive things.
That is
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 to say, the more study areas they can reach, the better they can master diverse situations.
For example
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, a child who learned mathematics at an early age may present more talent in calculation compared to those who don’t receive any math training.
This
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 can somehow improve adolescents' adaptability, enabling them to more easily adapt to different environments and requirements in their future studies and work.
Nevertheless
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, by studying a variety of subjects, young people can develop the ability to think about problems from multiple perspectives, which is essential for cultivating critical thinking and problem-solving skills.
On the other hand
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, focusing on relatively fewer learning categories allows youth to have more time and energy to deeply understand the content of each area.
As a result
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,
this
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 kind of in-depth enlightenment helps children build a solid foundation of knowledge.
Besides
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, researching too many domains can be stressful for students, especially for those who face many examinations.
For instance
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, in China, there is a clear upward trend in suicide incidents among the student group
due to
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 the enormous academic pressure, which
represent
Change the verb form
represents
show examples
 a serious social issue.
In addition
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, when students do not need to be distracted by other unnecessary subjects, they can have more opportunities to explore and develop their own strengths and interests.
To sum up
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,
although
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 people may have varying opinions, I am convinced that there is a need for juveniles to participate in varied topics so that they can easily master situations or incidents that happen in the future.

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task achievement
You did well by addressing both perspectives and clearly expressing your stand. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure that your examples are highly relevant and specific. For instance, when discussing the stress in Chinese students, you could mention specific instances or data.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that transitions between paragraphs are smooth to enhance readability. Using phrases such as 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' or 'Conversely,' can help improve the flow.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly states your position and summarizes the key points you will discuss.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reiterates your stance, giving a clear ending to the essay.
logical structure
The essay is logically structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
clear comprehensive ideas
You have made comprehensive arguments, covering both sides of the issue, which shows a balanced perspective.
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