IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some argue that schools are no longer necessary because children learn so much from the Internet and can be educated at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#argue #schools #children #internet #home
Some people opine that attending school will not be compulsory in the near future
due to
 the advanced technologies.
However
, I'm afraid I have to disagree with
this
 point of view wholeheartedly, and I will explain why and give my reasons for supporting my argument in the following paragraphs. To start with, in school, you can learn how to work with others.
That is
 the thing you can not be educated online. The real interaction with people is quite important. Take me
for example
, during the COVID-19 pandemic, we had to stay at home and use distance-educating software
instead
 of taking courses in the classrooms.
This
 made me become a person who has difficulties in getting
along with
 peers. It took me a
while
 to cope with
this
 problem. I still have
this
 problem, but I am improving. Another reason is that we can not learn everything from the Internet. Some things need to be learned from experience and I do not think online education systems can provide those.
For instance
, a
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
show examples
 craftsman is a man who has a lot of experience
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 making one kind of craft. They do it almost every day. Practice makes it perfect. You have to do
this
 on your hands and learn from your mistakes. In my view, it is good to find the answers online, and you can gain knowledge easily there, but it will not be the best way to learn the skills that require your hand to do them. In a nutshell, managing relationships is hard to learn on the Internet, and you can not learn some skills either, because those stuff need to go to a certain classroom for learning. Online can be good
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 searching for information, but I do not think it can replace the real classroom one day.
Submitted by edward300225 on

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task achievement
Your essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction and conclusion. The body paragraphs are focused and relevant to the topic. However, try to further develop your ideas in the body paragraphs with more specific examples or deeper explanations.
task achievement
While your ideas are clear, be careful with some minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For example, 'distance-educating software' could be more naturally phrased as 'remote learning software.'
coherence cohesion
Consider using more complex sentence structures to enhance the readability and flexibility of your writing. This will help in making your points more nuanced and sophisticated.
task achievement
You have structured your essay well, with a clear introduction, logical flow of arguments, and a strong conclusion. This shows your ability to organize your thoughts coherently.
task achievement
Your use of personal examples strengthens your arguments and makes them more relatable. This is especially effective in engaging the reader and supporting your points.
coherence cohesion
You effectively transitioned between points, which contributed to the overall cohesion of your essay. This helped in maintaining a clear and logical structure.
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