IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that individuals over 65 should not be allowed to continue working. Others think that people should be allowed to work for as long as they choose. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #individuals #work
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While
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 there is a belief that
people
Use synonyms
 of
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 should not be allowed to
work
Use synonyms
 , there is
also
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 a viewpoint that individuals should have
opportunity
Correct article usage
the opportunity
show examples
 to continue their employment after
Use synonyms
age
Add an article
the age
show examples
 of sixty-five.
This
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 essay will first explore both viewpoints and
then
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 present a personal opinion
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
favors
Change the spelling
favours
show examples
 having
free
Correct article usage
a free
show examples
 choice of
retirement
Use synonyms
.
To begin
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 with, supporters of retiring after 65 argue that
this
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 opens up employment opportunities for younger generations. With an
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
 population, job opportunities for young
people
Use synonyms
 are decreasing and
this
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 limits their employment opportunities. Particularly , unlike younger workers, aged
people
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 have difficulty using new technologies to speed up and improve
work
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 ,so they prefer outdated methods.
Furthermore
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 ,
people
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 argue that individuals over 65 often face health
problems
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 and
this
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 has a negative effect on the prosperity of companies. Concentration
problems
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 and slow
work
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 speed among older
people
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 affect their productivity, which can lead to slow business development.
For example
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, in companies where there are many
people
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 over 65, data or money leaks happen
due to
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of attention.
On the other hand
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, those who believe that
retirement
Use synonyms
 should not be mandatory argue that older
people
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 with experience and certain knowledge bring their workforce to the development of companies. Specifically,
people
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 who rely on their experience are valuable and can make wise decisions in difficult situations.
Also
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,
people
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 with experience
are
Verb problem
have
show examples
 an opportunity
for mentoring
Change preposition
to mentor
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young workers. By sharing their valuable knowledge, they promote the younger generation and improve organisational aspects of
work
Use synonyms
.
In addition
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, financial
problems
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 are a significant factor for supporters of working after 65 years of
age
Use synonyms
. Since many older
people
Use synonyms
 face financial
problems
Use synonyms
due to
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 small pensions, continuing to
work
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 is a way to provide themselves with a more comfortable life.
For instance
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 ,
people
Use synonyms
 who receive a pension and continue to
work
Use synonyms
 suffer less from a lack of finances. In my view, there should be a free choice for
retirement
Use synonyms
. Many older
people
Use synonyms
 have knowledge that provides an opportunity for the development of the younger generation as valuable workers and
subsequently
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 the prosperity of the company.
Also
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 in some countries, tiny pensions for retirees leave them no choice but to continue working.q In conclusion,
although
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people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 after 65 years of
age
Use synonyms
 have negative characteristics, they
also
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 improve the workforce, and I believe that older
people
Use synonyms
 should be able to choose whether to continue working or not.
Submitted by faceit0990 on

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General
Continue refining your capability to integrate examples seamlessly into your discussions to strengthen your arguments. This technique enriches your essay with practicality.
Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance the reader's understanding, consider varying your sentence structures more. This adds rhythm and keeps the reader engaged.
General
Remember to proofread for minor typographical errors. Although they're trivial and did not affect your score, maintaining a polished presentation is beneficial.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively discusses both viewpoints and provides a reasoned personal opinion, demonstrating excellent task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and well-defined, effectively framing your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've done a great job of supporting your main points with relevant examples and detailed explanations.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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