IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Is it a good idea for people to continue working in their old age if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

#idea #people #age
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In an ever-progressive society, whether senior citizens should extend their careers into later years in case they are still feasible to work is an argumentative topic. From
this
 writer’s perspective, it is adverse for seniors if they are willing to pursue their occupation
due to
 health concerns
as well as
 the fast-paced environment. It should be apprehended that as the aged inhabitants get older, they tend to confront serious diseases relating to the cardiovascular system. To put it simply, when people are ageing, their whole body will be gradually degraded
in addition
 to the lack of flexibility and sustainability of bones alongside the impairment of all senses.
Due to
 these adversities, their productivity will be predominated by the young labour force who have exceeded stamina to handle the given tasks, especially jobs that require physical strength.
As a consequence
, if they are not able to accomplish the mission, not only these aged will be criticized and may lose their jobs, but
also
 their health is being threatened by overworking.
Hence
, a thorough consideration is essential for the elderly prior to returning to the workplace for additional income. Another justification why seniors ought not to endeavour more than the limited age is that the atmosphere they used to work in has been now altered with a fast-track one. It is irrefutable that technological devices are emerging instantaneously in every part of the world, contributing to a wide range of sophisticated technologies installed in the industrial complex with many companies that demand workers to be tech-savvy in order to operate these machines.
Nonetheless
, it is an excessive challenge for the elderly to catch up with these changes since their brains can not be optimized on the grounds of being old.
As a result
, these aged workers are more likely to be strained by
this
 huge discrepancy, leading to frustration in the personal relationship unless they can be well-behaved. Taking all into account, continuing to devote to assignments even when people are ageing is disadvantageous for them in virtue of a health-threatening and pressed atmosphere.
Additionally
, it is advisable that senior citizens should enjoy their remaining time with family
instead
 of working for their whole life.
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task achievement
While the essay provides a clear response to the prompt, it would benefit from more specific examples to support the points made. Including real-life instances or statistical data can enhance the relevance and specificity of the arguments.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences are overly complex and could be simplified for clarity. Try to use straightforward language and break down complex ideas into simpler parts to ensure they are easily understood.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a well-structured introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The main points are logically organized and there is a clear flow between paragraphs.
task achievement
The writer demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and provides a complete response, addressing multiple reasons why it may not be advisable for seniors to continue working in their old age.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive decline
  • Mental and emotional well-being
  • Social interaction
  • Financial stability
  • Sense of purpose
  • Self-worth
  • Physical health
  • Skill utilization
  • Experience
  • Flexible working hours
  • Generational gap
  • Elderly individuals
  • Retirement
  • Workplace
  • Economic contribution
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