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Band 7

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
several individuals believe that
due to
 a human being living much longer, the lifespan for a person to retire from jobs would be raised considerably.
this
 writer firmly contends that the ages for the population to retire may change to be suitable for the modern era. first of all, the more time the crowd have worked, the more experience they have . Because society is now likely to work especially the young the teens should have someone who is good at that field or has a lot of experience in that case.
For instance
, to become a doctor, learners have to go to hospitals to study how to perform an operation from the professors.
Thus
, professional people should not early
instead
 of staying at work and teaching the next generation.
secondly
, folks would get into trouble with their emotions if they were going to retire especially the active ones. it is because they have to think about the work, the finances, and how to make ends meet. but after they retire, they are confused, do not have any aim to do and can not find the meaning of their lives. in Vietnam,
for example
, the rules about the ages to retire have changed because lots of humans when they retire, are disinterested and have nothing to do like the people who are being dismissed. so the government should empathize with the residents and change the time to retire. in conclusion, the society who retired would be bored with the life because they do not have anything to do.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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coherence
Proofread your essay to fix grammatical errors, punctuation, and capitalization issues, which can disrupt the flow of reading.
task achievement
Improve the development of ideas. Ensure each point is fully explained and directly linked to your argument.
coherence
Make your introduction more compelling and specific to better frame your argument. Give your conclusion more substance by summarizing the main points and restating your stance in a clear manner.
task achievement
The essay maintains a clear stance on the issue of raising the retirement age, which helps in providing a focused response.
task achievement
The essay addresses relevant examples, such as the need for experienced professionals and the emotional impact on retirees, to support your argument.
coherence
There is a clear attempt to structure the essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which shows an understanding of coherence and cohesion requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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