IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that all secondary and higher secondary school students should be taught how to manage money as it is an important skill. Do you agree or disagree with this argument?

#people #school #students #money #skill #argument
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It is argued that middle school
students
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 should learn how to manage their
money
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due to
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 the fact that
this
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 is a crucial skill for their
future
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. I completely agree with
this
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 statement based on some reasons that will be discussed in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, managing
money
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 is the basic skill to become rich
people
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 in the
future
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. It means that when
students
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 have a good understanding of how to allocate their
money
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 wisely, they may become prosperous
people
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 just like billionaires
such
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 as Elon Musk and Bill Gates. Both of them are well-known for how to invest their
money
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 in the right ways.
While
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 Elon Musk has been spending a large amount of his
money
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 on businesses like Tesla which makes him one of the richest
people
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 in the world, Bill Gates has allocated his spending to Microsoft, a software computer which is used globally.
Therefore
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, if
students
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 have the ability to manage their
money
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, they have an opportunity to become rich
people
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 in the
future
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. Another reason related to
this
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 is that managing
money
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 would give them a sense of achievement.
In other words
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, it is the first step for them to build their
future
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. A student who can manage their
money
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 well,
such
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 as how to spend and save their
money
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, can lead them to do what they want after graduation.
For instance
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, they can use the
money
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 they save to start a business.
Furthermore
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, when they run a business, their ability to manage
money
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 would benefit them in terms of how to spend and save to advance their business. In conclusion, learning how to manage
money
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 is vital for
students
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 since it is a basic skill to become wealthy
people
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 in the
future
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 and
due to
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 the fact that it will give them a sense of achievement.
Submitted by salwafahanim on

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coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Consider using more transitional words and phrases to link your ideas more effectively.
task achievement
Clarify and elaborate on your ideas in the body paragraphs. Sometimes points are mentioned but not fully developed or explained in relation to the argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your claims. The examples given are good, but they could be more detailed to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the argument effectively.
task achievement
The main points are relevant and connected to the topic, ensuring a focused response.
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