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Band 6.5

Some peopel believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes ( for example working for a charity, umproving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger childern. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#peopel #community #service #part #school #programmes #charity #neighbourhood #sports #childern
It is thought by a selection of individuals that high school's curriculum should include unpaid
community
 service like charity work, improving surrounding areas and teaching sports to the younger generation
into
Change preposition
as
show examples
 their main subjects. From my perspective, I disagree with
this
 notion and my supporting reasons will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion. At the outset, there are several drawbacks
adding
Change preposition
to adding
show examples
 these
community
activities
 into their compulsory programmes and one of the most significant is that students might lose their focus on the main subjects. To elaborate
further
, doing
community
services
 can distract learners directly if they find the
activities
 fun and enjoyable, making them want to go out all the time.
Moreover
, if teachers allow children to do those
services
, they might be exhausted and drained and
therefore
 students will fall asleep during their classes. An apt illustration of
this
 is that I used to do
community
services
 in the morning when I was in grade 11
such
 as picking up litter, watering plants at the green spaces, etc and I really
enjoy
Wrong verb form
enjoyed
show examples
 it;
as well as
, looking forward to going out and doing it again in the next week.
In addition
, after coming back from those leisure events, I always fell asleep leading to my scores drop in that term.
Additionally
, another clear upset to support my viewpoints is the state of well-being of students. To explain in greater detail, it is possible that children might get injured from
services
 and they can catch ailments after long
exposing
Change the form of the verb
exposed
show examples
 to the sunlight all day which weakens their immunity.
Furthermore
, minors would compete with others in their classes which in turn makes them feel stressed and depressed if they lose. To specifically demonstrate, in the service
activities
, a teacher separated us into two groups and who could finish a road cleaning first would be rewarded.
As a result
, my team lost and all of us felt down and blue;
besides
, most of us caught a cold in the next days as the event was organised outdoors. All in all, it is undeniable that unpaid
community
services
 can bring benefits to children.
However
, from my point of view, they only provide learners with plenty of disadvantages
such
 as making them lose their focus on the significant and paramount subjects. Another thing is, their physical and mental health can be worsened by these
activities
.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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introduction
While your introduction is clear and presents a clear stance, ensure it is more succinct. Avoid repetition like 'my supporting reasons will be outlined.'
structure
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly reflects the main point being discussed. This will enhance clarity and cohesion.
examples
While the examples given are relevant, make sure they are smoothly integrated to improve the flow. Avoid sentences that might seem slightly disjointed or disconnected from the main idea.
conclusion
Provide a brief summary of the main points in the conclusion and reassert your stance more emphatically to leave a lasting impression.
task response
Your essay addresses the prompt thoroughly and presents a clear argument against making community service compulsory in high schools.
examples
You have used relevant and specific examples to support your points, which makes your argument more compelling.
structure
The essay is well-organized with a logical flow from one idea to the next, which helps maintain the reader’s interest and understanding.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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