IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #teenagers #work #money #lessons #shouldn #sacrifice #rest #activities
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people believe that
teenagers
Use synonyms
 should
work
Use synonyms
 part-
time
Use synonyms
 jobs to learn important life
skills
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that it can interfere with their education and personal
time
Use synonyms
. Now, I will discuss both views. On the one hand, working part-
time
Use synonyms
 can teach
teenagers
Use synonyms
 valuable lessons.
For example
Linking Words
, a teenager working in a retail job might learn how to manage money, deal with customers, and handle responsibility. These experiences can improve their communication
skills
Use synonyms
 and provide a sense of independence. A teenager working at a café,
for instance
Linking Words
, could develop
time
Use synonyms
 management
skills
Use synonyms
 by balancing schoolwork with their shifts. These lessons are important for future careers and can help young people become more disciplined.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many people believe that
teenagers
Use synonyms
 should focus on their studies and enjoy their free
time
Use synonyms
. School can already be stressful, and adding a job might lead to burnout or poor academic performance. After-school activities like sports, hobbies, or spending
time
Use synonyms
 with friends are important for
teenagers
Use synonyms
’ social and emotional development. These activities help them relax and build important life
skills
Use synonyms
 that cannot be learned from
work
Use synonyms
 alone. In my opinion, part-
time
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 can be a good experience for
teenagers
Use synonyms
, but it should not come at the expense of their education or personal
time
Use synonyms
.
Teenagers
Use synonyms
 should be able to enjoy a balance between
work
Use synonyms
, school, and their hobbies. If they can manage
this
Linking Words
 balance, part-
time
Use synonyms
 jobs can be a positive experience that helps them grow.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay addresses both perspectives on the topic, providing a well-rounded discussion that fulfills the task requirements. However, consider adding more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments further, particularly under each viewpoint.
coherence and cohesion
The essay maintains a logical flow and clear structure, which aids in coherently delivering the message. Commit to using more varied linking phrases or advanced transitional devices to enhance the cohesion and coherence of your writing.
task response
You have effectively discussed both views and presented a balanced opinion in your conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The use of structured paragraphs helps in maintaining a logical flow of ideas throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: