IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Because of that, some produced foods and beverage products include high levels of
sugar
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, which impacts
people
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’s health badly. Many voices assert that
sugar
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 prices must be higher to keep
people
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 away from consuming it.
This
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 essay vehemently opposes
such
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 assertions and explains why.
To begin
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 with, there are some valid concerns about why increasing the price of
sugar
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 is not beneficial for
people
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 to prevent them from being unhealthy. The factor that influences
people
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 to redesign their purchasing habits is not price but their perceptions. Even though consumers buy relatively less
sugar
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due to
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 an increase in the price, they continue to buy and use them in their meals in the long term.
For example
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, the Turkish government implemented new taxes on cigarettes in order to decrease cigarette consumption in the country. Unfortunately,
this
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 policy did not pay off since it slightly changed
people
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’s purchasing frequency rather than altering their awareness.
Moreover
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, the average cigarette consumption in Turkey is nearly the same compared to before the taxes.
Secondly
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, What makes
people
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 less willing to buy
sugar
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 and avoid unhealthy consequences is to increase their awareness of undesired outcomes of
sugar
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.
Therefore
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, individuals slowly abandon to use of harmful products by having more knowledge about which product has positive or negative effects.
Thus
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, the conscious level of
people
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 will rise.
Also
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, more effective and permanent outcomes will occur.
According to
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 an article in Public Health Magazine, In Japan, marketing campaigns that highlight the damage of used batteries to nature achieved to reduction in the rate of battery
trashes
Correct subject-verb agreement
trash
show examples
 in public areas by 12%.
To sum up
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, despite the idea that
sugar
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 must be more expensive to decrease its consumption
due to
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 the unwanted health effects of
sugar
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,
this
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 policy is not beneficial.
Instead
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 of high prices, customers must be aware of
sugar
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’s dangers and use it less consciously.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction accurately paraphrases the essay prompt. For example, replace 'Because of that' with a clearer reference to the context.
coherence cohesion
While your example about cigarette consumption in Turkey is relevant, make sure to connect it clearly to the topic of sugar consumption for a more cohesive argument.
task achievement
Your essay contains clear and comprehensive ideas that stay relevant to the given topic.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is strong, with well-supported main points in each paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize the essay’s stance.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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