IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviours. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviours the most. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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People have different points of view when it comes to
children
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 and what
influences
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 them, because childhood is a very sensitive stage of one's life. The first group say that what kids watch
influences
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 them and
influences
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 their
behaviour
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. Meanwhile, the other group of people thinks that what actually affects offspring's
behaviour
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 is the
time
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 they spend on television. In my opinion, what affects
children
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 is the material of what they are watching and not the
time
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.
Firstly
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,
this
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 is considered a very sensitive subject and the reason for
this
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 is that it is connected to
children
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. The first point of view is very reasonable because if the child is watching something entertaining and can improve their knowledge at the same
time
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, the amount of
time
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 is not concerning.
For instance
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, if they are watching channels that consider desert life and wild animals,
then
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 the
time
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 itself is not a problem because they are learning new and interesting things.
Secondly
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, the second point of view is that
time
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 is very valuable in kids' lives and that they should not be spending a lot of their
time
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 watching television, but if it comes with a lot of benefits, why not? The amount of
time
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 a child spends on screens might affect
children
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's
behaviour
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 in a good way and make them learn essential information about cultures.
Hence
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to conclude
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, if kids are spending their
time
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 looking at valuable information,
then
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 it is not a problem, and it will give them valuable knowledge that will benefit them when they grow up. Some people say that what
children
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 watch
influences
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 their
behaviour
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. Others believe the amount of
time
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 they spend on television
influences
Use synonyms
 their behaviours the most.

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task achievement
You have provided a clear response to the task, discussing both views. However, your essay could benefit from more specific examples and deeper analysis of both perspectives. Try to provide more concrete instances or studies to support your points.
coherence cohesion
While your essay follows a logical structure and includes an introduction and a conclusion, try to better connect your ideas and ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. Use more linking phrases to enhance coherence.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion could be more distinct and summarise the main points in a more concrete manner. It currently repeats the task statement without fully encapsulating your viewpoints.
task achievement
Your introduction is clear and sets up the discussion well, clearly stating both perspectives.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized and follows a logical structure overall.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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