IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

With growing number of populations in cities, many people are living in small homes that don't have outdoor spaces. Is this a positive or negative development.

#populations #cities #people #homes #spaces #development
In present times, there is an increase in population within cities, which results in smaller accommodations for
people
, and the houses are so small that they do not have external
spaces
. The author of
this
 essay believes that
this
 alteration will have detrimental effects on their behaviour
as well as
 their social relationships.
To begin
 with, it should be acknowledged that houses play a significant role in improving
people
’s mood. Since modern life is becoming busier and more stressful,
people
 have a much more desperate desire to feel better when they arrive home.
Besides
 the arrangement of the house internally, the outdoor
spaces
 are
also
 important because
this
 is the place where
people
 can enjoy fresh air, which will eventually pump out bad emotions and negative thoughts.
Consequently
,
people
 will feel happier and more optimistic about their lives, and
this
 behaviour will provide them with motivation
as well as
 ideas for their work or group projects.
To sum up
, the house will be very dull and gloomy without outdoor
spaces
 and
this
 will aggravate their mental health and
then
 their physical health. Another point that needs to be considered is that external
spaces
 cannot just possibly bridge the gap between neighbourhoods but
also
 strike new friendships. With outdoor
spaces
,
people
 can celebrate parties like a BBQ,
this
 is the time when
people
 can put their tasks aside and have enjoyable moments with their neighbours.
Furthermore
,
people
 usually do not come to a party alone, they will often invite their friends to come.
As a result
, their neighbours can meet and chat with their friends, which can be classmates or colleagues, and
this
 results in a wider connection between
people
. To summarize, their life might be isolated without these open
spaces
 and
this
 will trigger depression and lack of social skills, which will transform into major obstacles in their life later on. In conclusion,
this
 writer holds the view that modern houses should have an open space,
although
 it might not be big, but enough to reduce to stifling atmosphere within the house.
This
 essay has enough pieces of evidence to prove the author’s point of view.
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task achievement
To strengthen the task response, it would be beneficial to include more relevant and specific examples that align with the main points discussed.
coherence cohesion
While the logical structure of the essay is generally clear, ensure that each paragraph is cohesively connected to the next with clear transitions.
coherence cohesion
Supporting the main points with additional evidence or examples can further enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay.
introduction conclusion
The introduction effectively sets up the essay’s argument and the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task by discussing both behavioral and social impacts of living in small homes without outdoor spaces.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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